OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGGG
So I consider this fabulous news. Brightened my day up after listening all day to professors talking about all the up and coming exams I'm about to sell my soul for to pass.
While in Croatia, at my Croatian school, I didn't exactly have a lot of friends. It's was a sticky situation because the kids in my class were used to having exchange students and the Americans before me were sent home for smoking some illegal substances. They weren't all that open to more exchangers, especially their last year together, and not exactly thrilled with Americans. So there were only a couple kids in my class who were open to me and inviting. Three, to be more exact. One had a boyfriend she spent a lot of time with. One was the friendly, unavailable hot guy with many friends. And the last was an extremely flamboyant guy. I loved hanging out with the last one because he was into the same things as me, funny, and actually paid attention to me which my other classmates failed to do. Since we talked all the time, some classmates rumored that he had a crush on me. But I wasn't so sure because I knew he was gay...but I was the only one who knew, literally, only one (meaning he did not). He found out about my brother being gay later on and I told him about some of my gay friends.
To those who don't know, being gay in Croatia is 100 times harder than the U.S. Yes there are people who accept it with no judgement, but I only met a few people like that. It's sort of frowned upon which made me upset but you can't change a whole countries view point by yourself, much less in one year. I worked on it with my first host sister and some friends, including my in-the-closet friend.
Today, however, we were messaging each other asking how each other's lives were and all and that's when I heard the glorious news. He came out to me!
I'm beyond beyond beyonddd excited for him. I know that life is going to be difficult for him, and God do I know that people would be easier on him if he weren't gay. But we are who we are, as Ke$ha put so nicely. And life only gets harder for us when we deny that fact.
I don't know who else he has come out to or if he has come out to anyone else at all. But I can't help to think that maybe I helped him. Or at least I could be there for him when he needed someone.
I know that the sayings all say something about changing the world one person at a time or whatever it is. I sort of knew it was possible, but I didn't seem myself really doing anything, not yet at least. But it's moments like this that make it worth the effort. Just one person, that's all I needed.
Goal #1- Get a gay out of the closet.
CHECK
next on my list, world hunger. easy piecey lemon squeezey.
I AM WOMAN! AHHH
I'm sorry I'm trying my best to put my excitement into this blog without coming off as an annoying 13 year old.
Hello, my name is Emma. And I'm here to make you gays come out and pass my econ exam, all in one week.
Reminds me, I have to study for econ now.
See you on the flip side
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
To the people who have done me wrong, upset me, never apologized, or never cared. And it's to the people who I never got to apologize to, or explain myself.
Does it make you feel special? When I constantly check up on you to see how you are, how life is, what you've been doing, do you ever care about me? Do you even realize that I'm trying? Do you care that I'm trying? Does it make you feel superior to me because I appear to care more for you than you do for me? Do you ever wonder how that makes me feel?
Maybe I don't care for you more than you do for me. But I was just born with a heart and the ability to care for someone else's feelings. Maybe I don't like having troubles sleeping at night because I mistreated a "friend" by not showing them much compassion.
Do you ever think about our friendship? Our memories? Does it ever make you sad? Do you miss it at all?
I'd be honest with you and tell you that I missed it, but since you haven't exactly been to upfront and honest with me, I guess I'll keep that to myself. I would hate to appear to care for you more than you do for me. And I would hate to put you in the position where you'd have to show some sort of emotional connection with me, or just any kind of connection.
Do you ever look back and wonder "what if I gave Emma a chance?" I do, every day. I sit there and think about how you tore me down with no thought about my well-being, my physical or emotional state, or much less what I wanted. I sit and think and think and the bitterness just grows and grows. I thought maybe, if I just let it go, I'd realize it wasn't a big deal and I'd hate you less and less. But I guess that when it was my own chance, my own opportunity, that I sat by patiently waiting for, no matter how big of a deal it had been or not, it was something I worked my butt off for and waited for only to have it ripped away from me because you didn't think I tried that hard, I just can't seem to let it go. Do you ever realize how much effect you can have on someone life? Does it ever shock you how you can be imprinted in someone else's memories for the actions you take on them?
I tend to be level headed. I defend both sides of every argument.
But I can't defend you. I can't see your side as anything but selfish, immature, and rude.
It's sad that people might actually look up to you. It's unfortunate that you know people look up to you. And you continue to do what you do with pride.
When you look back on your past, do you only see yourself? Or do you see me in it too? I look back on your past and all I see is you. I was apart of it. It effected me more than you know. But you never wanted me there. I was never included. Life is full of mistakes. But the same mistake day after day, month after month, year after year. No one seems to understand the depth of your mistake on my life. The power you hold over my childhood memories is grave. You have been and always will be apart of my life. And that is how I would want it. But the pain doesn't really go away. I can forget for a few hours, maybe even days. But sooner or later I look back and think "why wasn't I wanted? why couldn't I be loved or liked by you? what could I have done differently? and was it all worth it for you?" Do you regret those things you did? Does it ever bother you that you ripped apart the people who only cared for you the most? Do you ever feel a need to bring it up and say you're sorry? Do you ever feel like breaking down and crying about it? Or does it make it easier for you to act like it never happened?
How dare you. How dare you! I don't know who you think you are? But I'll tell you one thing, you are nothing near better than me. You're nothing near better than anyone here. You say these things that you don't mean and don't understand only because you have one goal; to tears us down. You don't know me. You don't know him or him or her. You see only with your eyes. You listened only with your ears. You don't put any more effort into the people around you because you don't think you need to. You don't think you should have to because who are we compared to you? Right? Well I'll tell you one thing. We are humans. We are people. We love who we love. We say what we feel. We see and listen and speak with our hearts. We understand people because what is it all worth if you don't try to understand others. You are an inconsiderate human being. You won't go anywhere in life because you make no effort to change where you are. You are content with knowing only what you've ever known. Knowledge to you could be summed up in one thin paperback book. We, on the other hand, want to advance. We want to be more than what we are now. We want to impress people, break stereotypes, and prove to people that we are who we choose to be. The law can't tell us who to be. You can't tell us who to be. I hope your life as something totally and completely unimportant and insignificant fills you up. I hope that at the end of you day, your the happiest you've ever been, which probably won't be that great. But I do hope that you think you are feeling happiness. I hope you think you feel fulfilled. Because I'm a considerate person, you asshole.
I'm sorry. The words are said to easily sometimes and without the amount of feelings it suppose to have. But I say it with the true means of an apology. I'm sorry. I won't add a but, or however. Because a true apology has no excuse. I won't sit here and say I'm sorry, but (insert something that generally means I still think I was right). What I did was rude and made me the years worst friend. I only thought about myself. I put thoughts into my head where I could turn the situation and blame it on you. And when I said it out loud, it never really truly made sense. Iit was all I needed to justify my actions. I know, now, far too late, that it didn't justify anything. Well, it sure justified my bitch move. My total and complete failure and being a humane and normal human being who had a heart. I was scared. I was confused. I didn't know what to think or feel or.... I thought pushing you like that, away, would make me feel better. And, I'll be blunt and honest, I thought it did make me feel better. To just be alone. That feeling didn't last long, though. Now I live remembering how I treated you and I hate who I was towards you everyday. I know now it may not seem like a big deal. It was a long time ago. I was suppose to be a friend. And I did a terrible job of that.
I don't know why you hate me so. I really can't bring myself to say I hate you, even with all the things you did to me. I think you just woke up one morning and the first thing you thought was "I'm going to hate Emma". When I thought you were maybe afraid I was after your boyfriend, I sent an apology to you saying I had no intentions with him. I made it clear to you that I was a friend. And what did you do? You sent me hate mail. You bitched and yelled and did whatever you could think of to tear me apart. You tried to pull my friends away from me. You tried to make me look bad. You took whatever opportunity you could to turn the tables on everything I did, so that I would be to blame or at fault. You tried and tried, but because you didn't realize that I am, in fact, Emma FREAKING Hansen, you failed and you failed. I take no glory in that...okay maybe a little. But I don't mean to rub it in your face. But why is it that you disliked me so much? I never wronged you. I never even talked to you until you decided we were enemies. You were a stranger to me and I was and am a stranger to you. I guess when the day is done, you need someone to blame. Having a reason for the terrible things in life makes it easier. Why would you want to live each day thinking terrible things happen randomly without reason to innocent people? It's terrible and scary. Life is always more surreal with a person to blame. And I was your opportunity to shut out the truths of the world and the chaos it brings. I was you scapegoat.
I won't say who these are for. And I'm not sure why I feel a need to post it.
Majority of suicide attempts are never really meant to follow through with the deed. The people attempting are only hoping for the attention, for the last minute realization people have about how much they truly care for that person who almost lost their lives. It may seem stupid, selfish. But everyone needs a little of that every now and then. Otherwise, we just feel alone, and feeling alone leads to a list of other unhappy feelings that lead to an unhappy half-said, half-lived life.
So maybe this is my form of suicide attempt. I'm analyzing my decision to post this as I write now. I wasn't going to in the beginning.
I was just having those thoughts you have late at night, right before you fall asleep. Those what-ifs and wishes to go back and say more or less. And I felt like I needed to let it out. To write it down, in hopes that the guilt feelings of never speaking up would disappear.
Sidenote (God I know this is long...longer that I expected)
I was reading this book.The story line would make you roll your eyes but basically this guy, possible mythical creature like a fairy, is on a search to find himself a soul. He has to go through these tests to see if he can handle it. One test includes him being normal, without a power meaning he is weaker, defenseless, and harder to heal. Another test includes him having to realize he will be mortal and will die. And the last test is living with the guilt that he use to be able to so easily push aside and forget. He had done terrible things to people and remembering it made him want to end his trials right there and find a dark hole and die in it.
My point is, that the thing that gives us a soul, is being able to live with the guilt. Having guilt is not a pleasurable or enviable trait. But us dealing with it, everyday, being able to face reminders and live to see the next sunrise...it's extraordinary. We constantly underestimate the strength we all hold within our own minds. We all have our own battles. We are all fighting something. But we live each day, going about our business, communicating...as if there are no guns going off in your head...we are strong and we are amazing.
Well anyways, the reason I posted this is not so clear to me. I want to be honest and tell you whatever it honestly is that brings me to hit PUBLISH POST. But it may have to be something I ponder as I fall asleep tonight.
It could be because there's always that small part of you that just wants someone to know. It's hard to just be in their face and saying it. But to think that there is a possibility they know but you don't know for sure, it's more comforting...I'm not sure. This could be something that only I feel...which only makes me look like a bitch, but hey, this is who I am.
Sweet dreams world.
Remember, seriously, we are all so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Remind yourself of that more often, because I have a feeling that we don't hear that enough.
Does it make you feel special? When I constantly check up on you to see how you are, how life is, what you've been doing, do you ever care about me? Do you even realize that I'm trying? Do you care that I'm trying? Does it make you feel superior to me because I appear to care more for you than you do for me? Do you ever wonder how that makes me feel?
Maybe I don't care for you more than you do for me. But I was just born with a heart and the ability to care for someone else's feelings. Maybe I don't like having troubles sleeping at night because I mistreated a "friend" by not showing them much compassion.
Do you ever think about our friendship? Our memories? Does it ever make you sad? Do you miss it at all?
I'd be honest with you and tell you that I missed it, but since you haven't exactly been to upfront and honest with me, I guess I'll keep that to myself. I would hate to appear to care for you more than you do for me. And I would hate to put you in the position where you'd have to show some sort of emotional connection with me, or just any kind of connection.
Do you ever look back and wonder "what if I gave Emma a chance?" I do, every day. I sit there and think about how you tore me down with no thought about my well-being, my physical or emotional state, or much less what I wanted. I sit and think and think and the bitterness just grows and grows. I thought maybe, if I just let it go, I'd realize it wasn't a big deal and I'd hate you less and less. But I guess that when it was my own chance, my own opportunity, that I sat by patiently waiting for, no matter how big of a deal it had been or not, it was something I worked my butt off for and waited for only to have it ripped away from me because you didn't think I tried that hard, I just can't seem to let it go. Do you ever realize how much effect you can have on someone life? Does it ever shock you how you can be imprinted in someone else's memories for the actions you take on them?
I tend to be level headed. I defend both sides of every argument.
But I can't defend you. I can't see your side as anything but selfish, immature, and rude.
It's sad that people might actually look up to you. It's unfortunate that you know people look up to you. And you continue to do what you do with pride.
When you look back on your past, do you only see yourself? Or do you see me in it too? I look back on your past and all I see is you. I was apart of it. It effected me more than you know. But you never wanted me there. I was never included. Life is full of mistakes. But the same mistake day after day, month after month, year after year. No one seems to understand the depth of your mistake on my life. The power you hold over my childhood memories is grave. You have been and always will be apart of my life. And that is how I would want it. But the pain doesn't really go away. I can forget for a few hours, maybe even days. But sooner or later I look back and think "why wasn't I wanted? why couldn't I be loved or liked by you? what could I have done differently? and was it all worth it for you?" Do you regret those things you did? Does it ever bother you that you ripped apart the people who only cared for you the most? Do you ever feel a need to bring it up and say you're sorry? Do you ever feel like breaking down and crying about it? Or does it make it easier for you to act like it never happened?
How dare you. How dare you! I don't know who you think you are? But I'll tell you one thing, you are nothing near better than me. You're nothing near better than anyone here. You say these things that you don't mean and don't understand only because you have one goal; to tears us down. You don't know me. You don't know him or him or her. You see only with your eyes. You listened only with your ears. You don't put any more effort into the people around you because you don't think you need to. You don't think you should have to because who are we compared to you? Right? Well I'll tell you one thing. We are humans. We are people. We love who we love. We say what we feel. We see and listen and speak with our hearts. We understand people because what is it all worth if you don't try to understand others. You are an inconsiderate human being. You won't go anywhere in life because you make no effort to change where you are. You are content with knowing only what you've ever known. Knowledge to you could be summed up in one thin paperback book. We, on the other hand, want to advance. We want to be more than what we are now. We want to impress people, break stereotypes, and prove to people that we are who we choose to be. The law can't tell us who to be. You can't tell us who to be. I hope your life as something totally and completely unimportant and insignificant fills you up. I hope that at the end of you day, your the happiest you've ever been, which probably won't be that great. But I do hope that you think you are feeling happiness. I hope you think you feel fulfilled. Because I'm a considerate person, you asshole.
I'm sorry. The words are said to easily sometimes and without the amount of feelings it suppose to have. But I say it with the true means of an apology. I'm sorry. I won't add a but, or however. Because a true apology has no excuse. I won't sit here and say I'm sorry, but (insert something that generally means I still think I was right). What I did was rude and made me the years worst friend. I only thought about myself. I put thoughts into my head where I could turn the situation and blame it on you. And when I said it out loud, it never really truly made sense. Iit was all I needed to justify my actions. I know, now, far too late, that it didn't justify anything. Well, it sure justified my bitch move. My total and complete failure and being a humane and normal human being who had a heart. I was scared. I was confused. I didn't know what to think or feel or.... I thought pushing you like that, away, would make me feel better. And, I'll be blunt and honest, I thought it did make me feel better. To just be alone. That feeling didn't last long, though. Now I live remembering how I treated you and I hate who I was towards you everyday. I know now it may not seem like a big deal. It was a long time ago. I was suppose to be a friend. And I did a terrible job of that.
I don't know why you hate me so. I really can't bring myself to say I hate you, even with all the things you did to me. I think you just woke up one morning and the first thing you thought was "I'm going to hate Emma". When I thought you were maybe afraid I was after your boyfriend, I sent an apology to you saying I had no intentions with him. I made it clear to you that I was a friend. And what did you do? You sent me hate mail. You bitched and yelled and did whatever you could think of to tear me apart. You tried to pull my friends away from me. You tried to make me look bad. You took whatever opportunity you could to turn the tables on everything I did, so that I would be to blame or at fault. You tried and tried, but because you didn't realize that I am, in fact, Emma FREAKING Hansen, you failed and you failed. I take no glory in that...okay maybe a little. But I don't mean to rub it in your face. But why is it that you disliked me so much? I never wronged you. I never even talked to you until you decided we were enemies. You were a stranger to me and I was and am a stranger to you. I guess when the day is done, you need someone to blame. Having a reason for the terrible things in life makes it easier. Why would you want to live each day thinking terrible things happen randomly without reason to innocent people? It's terrible and scary. Life is always more surreal with a person to blame. And I was your opportunity to shut out the truths of the world and the chaos it brings. I was you scapegoat.
I won't say who these are for. And I'm not sure why I feel a need to post it.
Majority of suicide attempts are never really meant to follow through with the deed. The people attempting are only hoping for the attention, for the last minute realization people have about how much they truly care for that person who almost lost their lives. It may seem stupid, selfish. But everyone needs a little of that every now and then. Otherwise, we just feel alone, and feeling alone leads to a list of other unhappy feelings that lead to an unhappy half-said, half-lived life.
So maybe this is my form of suicide attempt. I'm analyzing my decision to post this as I write now. I wasn't going to in the beginning.
I was just having those thoughts you have late at night, right before you fall asleep. Those what-ifs and wishes to go back and say more or less. And I felt like I needed to let it out. To write it down, in hopes that the guilt feelings of never speaking up would disappear.
Sidenote (God I know this is long...longer that I expected)
I was reading this book.The story line would make you roll your eyes but basically this guy, possible mythical creature like a fairy, is on a search to find himself a soul. He has to go through these tests to see if he can handle it. One test includes him being normal, without a power meaning he is weaker, defenseless, and harder to heal. Another test includes him having to realize he will be mortal and will die. And the last test is living with the guilt that he use to be able to so easily push aside and forget. He had done terrible things to people and remembering it made him want to end his trials right there and find a dark hole and die in it.
My point is, that the thing that gives us a soul, is being able to live with the guilt. Having guilt is not a pleasurable or enviable trait. But us dealing with it, everyday, being able to face reminders and live to see the next sunrise...it's extraordinary. We constantly underestimate the strength we all hold within our own minds. We all have our own battles. We are all fighting something. But we live each day, going about our business, communicating...as if there are no guns going off in your head...we are strong and we are amazing.
Well anyways, the reason I posted this is not so clear to me. I want to be honest and tell you whatever it honestly is that brings me to hit PUBLISH POST. But it may have to be something I ponder as I fall asleep tonight.
It could be because there's always that small part of you that just wants someone to know. It's hard to just be in their face and saying it. But to think that there is a possibility they know but you don't know for sure, it's more comforting...I'm not sure. This could be something that only I feel...which only makes me look like a bitch, but hey, this is who I am.
Sweet dreams world.
Remember, seriously, we are all so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Remind yourself of that more often, because I have a feeling that we don't hear that enough.
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