So I know it's been a while. A couple months actually.
Writing this blog has become difficult for me. I was talking to my brother, the God of blogging, and a I told him I had problems writing blogs because I feel like I have no direction in my writing. There's no greater point or goal I'm writing about the links all my blogs to one thing. My last one, I just wrote about Croatia. I feel like writing about multiple experiences and feelings you have when abroad in a foreign country for a year gives direction to a blog. It's better for the reader when there's a point to it all. But mine now doesn't really have one. It first was my getting over Croatia. Then me starting college. Then me trying to get friends. Now I don't know.
The current goal I have set for myself is to pass college and be done with it. There are a lot of other things I would want to do more than anything, but college is now and I need to get it out of the way. So that's the direction my blog has taken, but it's not a very interesting one.
So because of this, I find writing blogs to be not so easy. I apologize for my blogs not being all the easy to make to the end of or if you lose interest.

Current headline to my life. I have a boyfriend. Yes, I know, it's a miracle. I messaged my host mom about it and she is demanding we skype so she can grill me for answers. I'm sure she has prayed to God thanking him and praying I can keep this one so I don't die alone. Whateves

I'm home now for the summer. It's only the first day I'm back and I'm feeling discombobulated. My friends from college aren't here. My boyfriends not here. I have no classes to go to. No job I have to show up for. No studying to do. I can't even work out for free at the local gym.
I don't know what to do with myself (which is probably why I'm blogging)

I've realized that last summer I was pretty much in the funkiest state of depression. My friends were too busy doing other stuff since they found other people to hangout with while I was gone. My family had their own obligations. I couldn't find a job. All I did was sit in my basement reading books and facebook stalking Croatians. I was honest to God depressed. I was so lost. I was in a reverse culture shock that tore me apart. Some times I feel myself slipping back into it. I can not begin to explain the agony that can over come me when I begin to miss Croatia. It took me a good half of a year to learn how to repress those feelings or distract myself from them. It is an honest to God heart-break. The worst I've ever experienced.
And I know I talk about Croatia a lot in my blogs, so I apologize. I have no real excuse other than I love it and I can't get it out of my head. Ever.
My best friend from last year, Dani from Denver, is going back to Croatia this summer. There's not words to explain my jealousy. I can't stand it. I honest to God am brought to tears when I think about how now is the perfect chance for me to go back. It's been a whole year, I'm afraid I can't push myself another year without some Croatia before I have a mental breakdown. But there's no way I can afford to go. It would take all the money in my bank account. And there's no way my parents can afford to help. It kills me. Honestly tears me apart.

I guess this was just a blog to update everyone on the continuation of my depressed state of missing Croatia. College is good. I pass my first year. I have a flat with two of my friends for the next year. I'm 20 years old, almost legal to drink. I actually found a job as a caregiver in Milwaukee,but now I'm back in Madison so I need a new one. And I'll probably spend all my money trying to visit my boyfriend who lives in Milwaukee this summer.
 Life is a barely flat downhill slope for me. I'll let you know when I'm about to hit rock bottom. It probably won't take long.

So it is in fact Valentines Day but that is totally irrelevant to my blog or even me.
Hanyvays.

So first semester of college was a little rough. I feel like I put myself into this depressive mode. I was bummed...a lot. Because I missed Croatia and my friends and my life. But I couldn't let myself move on. I was stuck in that Croatia life and I didn't want to move onto the next part of my life. I mean...lezbehonest...who would want to?
But anyways I didn't put myself out there all that much. I spent too much time dwelling on the past, missing it. I didn't have a lot of friends here and I didn't have much of a life outside of my dorm room.
But now that it's second semester, I find myself feeling like I spend more time outside with people and not sitting around filling my head with sad thoughts.
I'm happy right now!
It's amazing.
I had talked to my Croatian friends and they had all seemed fine and dandy. They had their friends, their jobs, their school work and whatever else to help them. Awesome for them. But basically I was the only one stuck in that funk.
When I look back at first semester though, I feel like I was lost. Like honestly, I wasn't as goofy and silly and weird and loud as I used to be. I was so depressing. I think I was bitchy to people and kind of short tempered.
Now when I'm with my friends I feel like Emma again. I see her coming back more and more each day.
I thought I could be strong enough to be myself without anyone's help. I figured I was strong enough as a person to not need help. And I hate admitting to anyone especially myself that I need help. But here's Emma being honest like she's learned to be. I needed help. Not like serious help where I need to be medicated or therapy, God no. I mean like someone to make me feel better.
But I guess it's true. I get by with "a little help from my friends" as the song goes.  It honest to God surprises me every time just how much just having a friend can make things better. Lucky for me I have more than just one. It's surprising how just one person can make you feel better. Feel more alive and crazier.
It's freaking Valentines Day! And I'm more than happy to just have friends to spend it with.
So this is my blog I suppose just telling everyone that Emma is fine. Emma is happy. Emma is crazy. Emma is Emma. Just being merely Emma again is good enough to make me feel like life is good.

So here's another saga of an ex-exchange student.

I'm being haunted by memories of Croatia.

Last year I spent my Christmas time missing home. Totally understandable.
I didn't cry or weep or sit around being a little Negative Nelly. That wouldn't be a good look for an exchange student. But God did I miss home. I looked at statuses and pictures of people talking about being home for Christmas. I was jealous and upset. I wanted to spend my Christmas with my family, more than anything.

(In my other blog page I mentioned that Thanksgiving was harder than Christmas for me, but regardless, they were both pretty hard. Christmas was just easier because I'd already gone through the extreme need to be with my family already so I knew how to deal.)

But anyways. It was hard for me.

Now that I'm home and spent my Christmas with my family, I feel something else towards it. Don't get me wrong, I'm more than happy to be home for Christmas this year. It's nice to see what I missed out on last year and all. But I still find myself sad and missing something else.
I'm missing my Christmas in Croatia. With that family. With those friends. With those memories. With that life.

I've been struggling with this long enough to ponder and analyze myself enough that it's gotten to the point where I can't sleep.
Every moment of everyday I sit around thinking about something or someone from my year abroad.
I might have thought before was hard, but this is an all time low.

With every break up or sad parting, people say give it time and you'll be okay.

I'm not okay. I mean, granted, they probably mean a whole lot more time than six months but it's most definitely not getting any easier. It gets harder and harder as the months go by.

And that was before the dreams started.
About two weeks ago, my brain turned against me. Every night I go to sleep feeling moderately okay. But as soon as I wake up from whatever tortuous dream my brain has put me through, I feel lost and confused and sad.
Every night I have a dream about being in Croatia or in Europe or with my friends or family from Croatia.
As soon as I wake up, I have to remind myself of where I am. Remind myself I'm in the states, in my bed, with my family and my cats. And I still feel an overwhelming wave of sadness hit me. It's a struggle every morning when I have to deal with an actual dream of me returning to my 2nd home to find out that I wasn't really there, and it was all an illusion and that happiness was only fleeting.
It sucks balls.
I sort of tried talking to my sister and dad about one dream but it just sounded like another whine about how I miss Croatia and how everything here wasn't good enough for me and yada yada yada. Which is most definitely not the case.
I love being home. I love having my family so nearby and being able to spend hours talking to them without having to worry about my mic not working on skype or the hour being too late due to the time difference.

It all just sucks.
That's the amount of vocab I can put into this feeling after spending one semester in college. I know, impressive.
It's the best way I can describe it without carrying on with adjectives and analogies and what not.
It all just sucks so much.

I'm not much of one to cry about a lot so it's good to know that it hasn't gotten that low. But I'm afraid for the day when it will.

I would do anything in my power to go back to Croatia. Even for a day, though I know it wouldn't be long enough. No time will.
I'm like a lovesick twilight fan here. Bleh!

And when I say that memories of it trouble me, I don't mean like five minutes of it every other day. It's usually about every other five minutes of every day. It blows.

And I know that if I was in Croatia for another year, I'd sit there complaining about how I miss things from Wisconsin.
I just can't be happy.
I want what I don't have. Always a problem for any common human being, more specially a dramatic teenage girl who has an unhealthy relationship with her cats.

I'd do anything to have the money to live in Croatia. I want to go to college there so badly. Hopefully get a job there so I can come home for holidays. Maybe that'd balance out. But I've looked into colleges and all and have come to the conclusion that a college degree in the U.S. looks 10 times better than one from Croatia. But still...boo!

I'm sorry if this is a weird blog. It's just a sad one about a sad girl with sad hopes and sad problems.

I just hope that these gosh dang dreams lighten up a little.

Croatia haunts me.... First world problems, I know.

Well that was my boo whoo moment for the time being. I'm sorry for those who read this that I took it out on you. No amount of talking about it makes it better, it probably only makes it worse. Since talking about it leads me to finding solutions that never really are good ones in the long run so it only leads me to feeling like there's not much hope. And then I'm back to the drawing board. And not to mention the fact that I bum out everyone who had to listen to it.

Okay whatever, I'll man up, rub some dirt in it, grow some balls, be a lady and all.

Here's to me, growing a pair.
Night y'all