Saturday, June 1, 2013

A Time Out

Here I am, three days left before my book is due, cramming it in so I can finish it. I've found that I've reached that point where you're past the point of no return, when you've fully and over the top have invested yourself into your book. I'm overwhelmed, questioning myself, reintroducing myself to my life, my friends, my goals and motives. I know it happens to other people and it's not just me. But when it happens, I always come to the conclusion that I'm losing my sanity. How can someone so easily and simply lose themselves. It puts a whole new meaning the phrase "to lose yourself in a book". I haven't truly lost myself, that I know. This happens frequently enough that I know the how it goes. I have this day, sometimes days of thinking this story, this book is my life and then I keep reminding myself what is reality and what is fiction.
It's bittersweet. But I fear that only people who read at the high frequency that I do understand. And I'm also a person who tends to over invest myself into things. Stories, books, promises, the news, documentaries, you name it.
It got pretty bad though. Especially with this book, so unlike my typical girly completely fiction books that are usually aimed a young adults (it's a sad confession and guilty pleasure of mine where I have my totally generic and cliche girly feelings and thoughts). There's a love story, which is what got me so far into this deep void that creates this temporary insanity. I was happily committed to finding out how this beloved wife of a husband with a failed marriage was murdered. It was touching, uplifting, inspiring, dreadful, sad, and eye-opening all at the same time. And then BANG. Like a gunshot straight into my heart and to my brain it changed. This beloved wife is conniving, manipulative and playing with my emotions. I was on her team and she knew it and she played me. And this husband who was meant to be this image of a man that you dislike and distrust was the same image but at least you sympathize with him because you realize the person who he was actually married to. Whatever, I'm ruining this story, and without any spoiler-alerts provided beforehand.
When I get to points like this that almost always arrive with the head-over-heals and abuse relationship I develop with every new book, I look at my life and try to see it from another view. Sometimes it's not a good view.... well when I say sometimes I mean it's almost pretty close to very likely. But I realized one thing in particular.
I was seconds away from texting my best friend to admit this to her and I thought "What better way to express this crazy collection of thoughts than to blog it out. Maybe it'll help...maybe I'll write something actually thought provoking, maybe I'll be enlightening to myself." Whatever may happen with this blog, I figured I might as well do something to get myself to do something other than look at one more God damn page of this God forsaken book.
I won't relay to you the connection of thoughts I had to direct me to this conclusion. It's boring and irrelevant and I'm sure boring. But with my best friend, we've both realized that our significant others are almost mirror images of each other, personality wise. My boyfriend is like hers and her boyfriend is like me, give or take a few traits. I was thinking to text her something along the lines of "If you were a boy, I would date you in a second. And I would never break up with you". I mean, essentially, that's what a best friend is, right? Someone you could be with for the rest of your life and still love unconditionally and never want to rid yourself of them. I mean there's always those annoyances that come up in any relationship, but those are expected in friendships, significant others, family members, co-workers, etc. But you love that person so much and to the extent that you don't care. You put up with the annoyances because you realize that this person has flaws like every other human being but you still don't hold it against them. You still love them and wish the best and want them to be happy and want to be apart of their lives so you can share happy moments together and be there for each other. So my best friend, Danielle Worthman, is a person that I feel vulnerable enough at this moment enough to say now that I would spend the rest of my life with her, as her best friend of course. Though she is perfect for me in every way possible, I obviously lack the sexual attraction (though she is beautiful) and I lack the "lesbian" gene (Offensive term, but my bio-science professor kept calling the gene that makes a person gay the "gay gene", and I've realized no one would know the scientific term anyways so it's just easier and quicker. Not saying easier and quicker are excuses, but in this sense I just want to get back onto topic). Anyways, I was going to tell her that I wish we could date because it would just be perfect. And even though we had previously stated how interesting it is that we match each other's significant other, I never once truly thought about the whole "why?" part of that observation.
I guess that's all I really had to say with that. It's the little things that when I get into this mood, I over-analyze everything. And though I've heard  over-analysations can lead to the creation of non-existent issues, it can always help solve some questions you've never even known that you've had. Or just solve questions that you never even cared or bothered or wanted to ask.

I'm sorry I sound so deeply profound and moody and artsy fartsy. I'm not always like this. But like I said, it's these gosh dang books. God, do I love them and what they do to me. But they can tear you apart into tiny shreds of mixed up emotions and lead you to an insanity where you have an infinite amount of thoughts running towards, away and parallel to each other all at the same moment over and over and over again. And then when you get to the end of the book (given it be a good, caring, and aware of your emotions kind of book) it will put you to one piece again. I still find that when I'm whole again I still have these thoughts driving me straight to the closest asylum, but I hope with this book, it will make me feel less insane than I feel now.

Wow this sounds pathetic. But I love books. They are an art to me. And when put into words, people who don't understand will see me as being over dramatic and...well...insane. But this is my life. This is my brain. These are my thoughts and these are my feelings.If emotions could be controlled, God what a life I would live. But frankly, my feelings have no off button and neither does my constantly growing curiosity  So here I go back into the void... well maybe after I eat and take a nap.

May your stories lead you to only a fleeting moment of insanity.

Sunday, March 31, 2013

More on a Fabulous Topic; Myself

Something to add, that sort of goes with my last blog. I sort of got it from my mom.
Today, which was Easter, I was with my family, of course. And as usual, something happened or was said or brought up that got me all riled up. My boyfriend was smiling, my mom was nodding her head with her usual knowing-grin on her face, and I put together that me being all worked up and blabbing about something probably viewed as not a big deal was amusing to these people. I pointed this out to my mother, where in return she responded "You are a passionate person. You express yourself just as passionately as you feel them". Okay I was paraphrasing and it probably didn't sound that great (sorry mom) but as a summary that's the gist of what she meant. So yes, I do. I get worked up over stupid, and pointless things. But at the time, they are neither pointless or stupid. Or no, maybe that's not it. Maybe it's more of because it's little acts of obscenity or rudeness that are easily and obviously overlooked that people don't think twice about it. Those little things are what make me mad. I mean huge acts of rudeness get to me too. But just as equally as the little ones, and that's because they are so little and no one sees it. And even when I point them out, I still look a little crazy and over dramatic. I over-analyze, true. But that doesn't really change much to me. I can't simply tell myself "okay Emma, you're over-thinking this. It's not that bad" and then instantly be over it. It's not a simple solution. I guess the only solution or way to calm the waters with me is for people to see what I'm saying and agree without laughing it off and telling me "it's not that big of a deal". Obviously, I do think it is sort of a big deal. Not a HUGE one, but it's a deal to me that is apparent and desires some acknowledgement.
I don't mean to say I get angry with people when they don't go with it. I get it. I over-dramatize some things. And not everyone feels the need to waste energy on these things. Maybe I just have so much energy in me that I need to pour it out in issues like these. Who knows?
The point is, I feel passionately about everything.
I rarely find myself in situations where I feel no energy should be wasted on something I don't really care about. Because even if it wasn't an issue I initially cared about, it, at the moment, affects me. So why should I not care?
I do wish I could not care so deeply about everything. It could save me some breath and possible embarrassment from the judgement I receive for it. But I'm also not one to care how people judge me.
(I do care sometimes, about how people judge me. But only on rare occasions)

So there you go. I passionately feel something about something. And I passionately verbalize my opinion.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Ungodly Hour of Inspiration

I always choose the probably most inconvenient times to find inspiration.
But here I am, at 1 a.m. finding myself overwhelmed in humanitarians and people of  illuminating inspiration.
I've found through quotes and stories that I love who I am. It's the first step, of course, in loving life and being happy. But I am wonderful. I am blissful. I am loud. And I am defiant.
I'm 20 years old, going on 21, and I constantly find myself thinking I'm "stuck" in my years of educating myself through college. Though of course college is my stepping stone to being who I will be in this world. But even when I'm done, it'll be years before I can be someone of recognition.
Even now, though, I see goals and dreams for myself in the future as to who I will be. And it's all a matter of what I'm doing now that will make me that person.
I am a  woman. White, yes. Middle class, yes. But still, in some forms, suppressed  But lord help me, if that is ever a proper excuse for not doing what I will.

Here is a list of what I've discovered about myself throughout the past few years.
1. I fear being normal and apart of the herd. I wish more than anything to be unique and different.
2. I defy authority on a regular basis.
3. I'm loud and lack the ability to hold my tongue.
4. The points I try to get across are almost always done so in far too many words.
5. I know I don't know as much as I try to lead on, but I sometimes find it hard to admit it to certain people.
6. I have interests in being too many different types of people, with too many different dreams, with too many different skills that I feel bounded by them.
7. I do or say things that I often feel I should have hesitated and thought about beforehand
8. I often involve myself in things that I hold no place in because I feel that my opinion, whether it be a new one or seconded, is needed.
9. I crave recognition.
10. I feel a need to make it clear that I believe myself to be a defiant individual in many ways.
11. I constantly am caught between being a classy woman and a reckless, bold one. Because I can't find where and if there is a line that separates the two.
12. I'm best at expressing myself or my ideas when it is something I feel passionately about.
13. I can't bring myself to believe that the world is black and white. I feel I will always believe that every human being believes themselves to be good. Whether they be tainted with bitterness or spitefulness, they still think they are doing good.
14. I will never in my whole life choose to be ignorant in any situation. I want to know the whole truth about everything. Ignorance may be bliss, but that comes with the choice to educated oneself.
15. I will always do whatever I can possibly do to break any stereotypes that I may fall within.
16. Even with all I've said, I still find myself looking back on recent situations where I'm not pleased with what I said or how I reacted.
17. I hope to never turn my head and pretend I didn't see someone who needed help, even in the most daily and average situations.
18. I wish to be always honest and open about who I am, how I feel, and what I think.
19. I regularly get exceedingly upset with daily stories and examples of intolerance, discrimination, fear in the form of anger, ignorance, and prejudices.
20. Reading is a love of mine and I cannot fathom a world where I don't have new books to discover.
21. I'm extremely curious about anything and everything. It can get me into troubling situations sometimes.

Now some of my favorite quotes I've stumbled upon tonight
“The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.” -William Shakespeare
“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” - Socrates
“I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.” -Sylvia Plath
"If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun." - Katharine Hepburn.
"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any." – Alice Walker.
"I have learned over the years that when one's mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear."- Rosa Parks 
"The question isn’t who’s going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me." - Ayn Rand
”It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” - Aristotle
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
“There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.” - Dr. Denis Waitley
"We are what we repeatedly do" -Aristotle

And my two favorite at this moment
“I speak my mind because it hurts  to bite my tongue”
"Seduce my mind and you can have my body.  Find my soul and I’m yours forever."

That's all I really have to say....sooo yeah!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

So I know it's been a while. A couple months actually.
Writing this blog has become difficult for me. I was talking to my brother, the God of blogging, and a I told him I had problems writing blogs because I feel like I have no direction in my writing. There's no greater point or goal I'm writing about the links all my blogs to one thing. My last one, I just wrote about Croatia. I feel like writing about multiple experiences and feelings you have when abroad in a foreign country for a year gives direction to a blog. It's better for the reader when there's a point to it all. But mine now doesn't really have one. It first was my getting over Croatia. Then me starting college. Then me trying to get friends. Now I don't know.
The current goal I have set for myself is to pass college and be done with it. There are a lot of other things I would want to do more than anything, but college is now and I need to get it out of the way. So that's the direction my blog has taken, but it's not a very interesting one.
So because of this, I find writing blogs to be not so easy. I apologize for my blogs not being all the easy to make to the end of or if you lose interest.

Current headline to my life. I have a boyfriend. Yes, I know, it's a miracle. I messaged my host mom about it and she is demanding we skype so she can grill me for answers. I'm sure she has prayed to God thanking him and praying I can keep this one so I don't die alone. Whateves

I'm home now for the summer. It's only the first day I'm back and I'm feeling discombobulated. My friends from college aren't here. My boyfriends not here. I have no classes to go to. No job I have to show up for. No studying to do. I can't even work out for free at the local gym.
I don't know what to do with myself (which is probably why I'm blogging)

I've realized that last summer I was pretty much in the funkiest state of depression. My friends were too busy doing other stuff since they found other people to hangout with while I was gone. My family had their own obligations. I couldn't find a job. All I did was sit in my basement reading books and facebook stalking Croatians. I was honest to God depressed. I was so lost. I was in a reverse culture shock that tore me apart. Some times I feel myself slipping back into it. I can not begin to explain the agony that can over come me when I begin to miss Croatia. It took me a good half of a year to learn how to repress those feelings or distract myself from them. It is an honest to God heart-break. The worst I've ever experienced.
And I know I talk about Croatia a lot in my blogs, so I apologize. I have no real excuse other than I love it and I can't get it out of my head. Ever.
My best friend from last year, Dani from Denver, is going back to Croatia this summer. There's not words to explain my jealousy. I can't stand it. I honest to God am brought to tears when I think about how now is the perfect chance for me to go back. It's been a whole year, I'm afraid I can't push myself another year without some Croatia before I have a mental breakdown. But there's no way I can afford to go. It would take all the money in my bank account. And there's no way my parents can afford to help. It kills me. Honestly tears me apart.

I guess this was just a blog to update everyone on the continuation of my depressed state of missing Croatia. College is good. I pass my first year. I have a flat with two of my friends for the next year. I'm 20 years old, almost legal to drink. I actually found a job as a caregiver in Milwaukee,but now I'm back in Madison so I need a new one. And I'll probably spend all my money trying to visit my boyfriend who lives in Milwaukee this summer.
 Life is a barely flat downhill slope for me. I'll let you know when I'm about to hit rock bottom. It probably won't take long.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

So it is in fact Valentines Day but that is totally irrelevant to my blog or even me.

So first semester of college was a little rough. I feel like I put myself into this depressive mode. I was bummed...a lot. Because I missed Croatia and my friends and my life. But I couldn't let myself move on. I was stuck in that Croatia life and I didn't want to move onto the next part of my life. I mean...lezbehonest...who would want to?
But anyways I didn't put myself out there all that much. I spent too much time dwelling on the past, missing it. I didn't have a lot of friends here and I didn't have much of a life outside of my dorm room.
But now that it's second semester, I find myself feeling like I spend more time outside with people and not sitting around filling my head with sad thoughts.
I'm happy right now!
It's amazing.
I had talked to my Croatian friends and they had all seemed fine and dandy. They had their friends, their jobs, their school work and whatever else to help them. Awesome for them. But basically I was the only one stuck in that funk.
When I look back at first semester though, I feel like I was lost. Like honestly, I wasn't as goofy and silly and weird and loud as I used to be. I was so depressing. I think I was bitchy to people and kind of short tempered.
Now when I'm with my friends I feel like Emma again. I see her coming back more and more each day.
I thought I could be strong enough to be myself without anyone's help. I figured I was strong enough as a person to not need help. And I hate admitting to anyone especially myself that I need help. But here's Emma being honest like she's learned to be. I needed help. Not like serious help where I need to be medicated or therapy, God no. I mean like someone to make me feel better.
But I guess it's true. I get by with "a little help from my friends" as the song goes.  It honest to God surprises me every time just how much just having a friend can make things better. Lucky for me I have more than just one. It's surprising how just one person can make you feel better. Feel more alive and crazier.
It's freaking Valentines Day! And I'm more than happy to just have friends to spend it with.
So this is my blog I suppose just telling everyone that Emma is fine. Emma is happy. Emma is crazy. Emma is Emma. Just being merely Emma again is good enough to make me feel like life is good.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

So here's another saga of an ex-exchange student.

I'm being haunted by memories of Croatia.

Last year I spent my Christmas time missing home. Totally understandable.
I didn't cry or weep or sit around being a little Negative Nelly. That wouldn't be a good look for an exchange student. But God did I miss home. I looked at statuses and pictures of people talking about being home for Christmas. I was jealous and upset. I wanted to spend my Christmas with my family, more than anything.

(In my other blog page I mentioned that Thanksgiving was harder than Christmas for me, but regardless, they were both pretty hard. Christmas was just easier because I'd already gone through the extreme need to be with my family already so I knew how to deal.)

But anyways. It was hard for me.

Now that I'm home and spent my Christmas with my family, I feel something else towards it. Don't get me wrong, I'm more than happy to be home for Christmas this year. It's nice to see what I missed out on last year and all. But I still find myself sad and missing something else.
I'm missing my Christmas in Croatia. With that family. With those friends. With those memories. With that life.

I've been struggling with this long enough to ponder and analyze myself enough that it's gotten to the point where I can't sleep.
Every moment of everyday I sit around thinking about something or someone from my year abroad.
I might have thought before was hard, but this is an all time low.

With every break up or sad parting, people say give it time and you'll be okay.

I'm not okay. I mean, granted, they probably mean a whole lot more time than six months but it's most definitely not getting any easier. It gets harder and harder as the months go by.

And that was before the dreams started.
About two weeks ago, my brain turned against me. Every night I go to sleep feeling moderately okay. But as soon as I wake up from whatever tortuous dream my brain has put me through, I feel lost and confused and sad.
Every night I have a dream about being in Croatia or in Europe or with my friends or family from Croatia.
As soon as I wake up, I have to remind myself of where I am. Remind myself I'm in the states, in my bed, with my family and my cats. And I still feel an overwhelming wave of sadness hit me. It's a struggle every morning when I have to deal with an actual dream of me returning to my 2nd home to find out that I wasn't really there, and it was all an illusion and that happiness was only fleeting.
It sucks balls.
I sort of tried talking to my sister and dad about one dream but it just sounded like another whine about how I miss Croatia and how everything here wasn't good enough for me and yada yada yada. Which is most definitely not the case.
I love being home. I love having my family so nearby and being able to spend hours talking to them without having to worry about my mic not working on skype or the hour being too late due to the time difference.

It all just sucks.
That's the amount of vocab I can put into this feeling after spending one semester in college. I know, impressive.
It's the best way I can describe it without carrying on with adjectives and analogies and what not.
It all just sucks so much.

I'm not much of one to cry about a lot so it's good to know that it hasn't gotten that low. But I'm afraid for the day when it will.

I would do anything in my power to go back to Croatia. Even for a day, though I know it wouldn't be long enough. No time will.
I'm like a lovesick twilight fan here. Bleh!

And when I say that memories of it trouble me, I don't mean like five minutes of it every other day. It's usually about every other five minutes of every day. It blows.

And I know that if I was in Croatia for another year, I'd sit there complaining about how I miss things from Wisconsin.
I just can't be happy.
I want what I don't have. Always a problem for any common human being, more specially a dramatic teenage girl who has an unhealthy relationship with her cats.

I'd do anything to have the money to live in Croatia. I want to go to college there so badly. Hopefully get a job there so I can come home for holidays. Maybe that'd balance out. But I've looked into colleges and all and have come to the conclusion that a college degree in the U.S. looks 10 times better than one from Croatia. But!

I'm sorry if this is a weird blog. It's just a sad one about a sad girl with sad hopes and sad problems.

I just hope that these gosh dang dreams lighten up a little.

Croatia haunts me.... First world problems, I know.

Well that was my boo whoo moment for the time being. I'm sorry for those who read this that I took it out on you. No amount of talking about it makes it better, it probably only makes it worse. Since talking about it leads me to finding solutions that never really are good ones in the long run so it only leads me to feeling like there's not much hope. And then I'm back to the drawing board. And not to mention the fact that I bum out everyone who had to listen to it.

Okay whatever, I'll man up, rub some dirt in it, grow some balls, be a lady and all.

Here's to me, growing a pair.
Night y'all

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


So I consider this fabulous news. Brightened my day up after listening all day to professors talking about all the up and coming exams I'm about to sell my soul for to pass.
While in Croatia, at my Croatian school, I didn't exactly have a lot of friends. It's was a sticky situation because the kids in my class were used to having exchange students and the Americans before me were sent home for smoking some illegal substances. They weren't all that open to more exchangers, especially their last year together, and not exactly thrilled with Americans. So there were only a couple kids in my class who were open to me and inviting. Three, to be more exact. One had a boyfriend she spent a lot of time with. One was the friendly, unavailable hot guy with many friends. And the last was an extremely flamboyant guy. I loved hanging out with the last one because he was into the same things as me, funny, and actually paid attention to me which my other classmates failed to do. Since we talked all the time, some classmates rumored that he had a crush on me. But I wasn't so sure because I knew he was gay...but I was the only one who knew, literally, only one (meaning he did not). He found out about my brother being gay later on and I told him about some of my gay friends.
To those who don't know, being gay in Croatia is 100 times harder than the U.S. Yes there are people who accept it with no judgement, but I only met a few people like that. It's sort of frowned upon which made me upset but you can't change a whole countries view point by yourself, much less in one year. I worked on it with my first host sister and some friends, including my in-the-closet friend.

Today, however, we were messaging each other asking how each other's lives were and all and that's when I heard the glorious news. He came out to me!
I'm beyond beyond beyonddd excited for him. I know that life is going to be difficult for him, and God do I know that people would be easier on him if he weren't gay. But we are who we are, as Ke$ha put so nicely. And life only gets harder for us when we deny that fact.
I don't know who else he has come out to or if he has come out to anyone else at all. But I can't help to think that maybe I helped him. Or at least I could be there for him when he needed someone.

I know that the sayings all say something about changing the world one person at a time or  whatever it is. I sort of knew it was possible, but I didn't seem myself really doing anything, not yet at least. But it's moments like this that make it worth the effort. Just one person, that's all I needed.
Goal #1- Get a gay out of the closet.
next on my list, world hunger. easy piecey lemon squeezey.


I'm sorry I'm trying my best to put my excitement into this blog without coming off as an annoying 13 year old.

Hello, my name is Emma. And I'm here to make you gays come out and pass my econ exam, all in one week.

Reminds me, I have to study for econ now.
See you on the flip side