Sunday, May 20, 2012

So I know it's been a while. A couple months actually.
Writing this blog has become difficult for me. I was talking to my brother, the God of blogging, and a I told him I had problems writing blogs because I feel like I have no direction in my writing. There's no greater point or goal I'm writing about the links all my blogs to one thing. My last one, I just wrote about Croatia. I feel like writing about multiple experiences and feelings you have when abroad in a foreign country for a year gives direction to a blog. It's better for the reader when there's a point to it all. But mine now doesn't really have one. It first was my getting over Croatia. Then me starting college. Then me trying to get friends. Now I don't know.
The current goal I have set for myself is to pass college and be done with it. There are a lot of other things I would want to do more than anything, but college is now and I need to get it out of the way. So that's the direction my blog has taken, but it's not a very interesting one.
So because of this, I find writing blogs to be not so easy. I apologize for my blogs not being all the easy to make to the end of or if you lose interest.

Current headline to my life. I have a boyfriend. Yes, I know, it's a miracle. I messaged my host mom about it and she is demanding we skype so she can grill me for answers. I'm sure she has prayed to God thanking him and praying I can keep this one so I don't die alone. Whateves

I'm home now for the summer. It's only the first day I'm back and I'm feeling discombobulated. My friends from college aren't here. My boyfriends not here. I have no classes to go to. No job I have to show up for. No studying to do. I can't even work out for free at the local gym.
I don't know what to do with myself (which is probably why I'm blogging)

I've realized that last summer I was pretty much in the funkiest state of depression. My friends were too busy doing other stuff since they found other people to hangout with while I was gone. My family had their own obligations. I couldn't find a job. All I did was sit in my basement reading books and facebook stalking Croatians. I was honest to God depressed. I was so lost. I was in a reverse culture shock that tore me apart. Some times I feel myself slipping back into it. I can not begin to explain the agony that can over come me when I begin to miss Croatia. It took me a good half of a year to learn how to repress those feelings or distract myself from them. It is an honest to God heart-break. The worst I've ever experienced.
And I know I talk about Croatia a lot in my blogs, so I apologize. I have no real excuse other than I love it and I can't get it out of my head. Ever.
My best friend from last year, Dani from Denver, is going back to Croatia this summer. There's not words to explain my jealousy. I can't stand it. I honest to God am brought to tears when I think about how now is the perfect chance for me to go back. It's been a whole year, I'm afraid I can't push myself another year without some Croatia before I have a mental breakdown. But there's no way I can afford to go. It would take all the money in my bank account. And there's no way my parents can afford to help. It kills me. Honestly tears me apart.

I guess this was just a blog to update everyone on the continuation of my depressed state of missing Croatia. College is good. I pass my first year. I have a flat with two of my friends for the next year. I'm 20 years old, almost legal to drink. I actually found a job as a caregiver in Milwaukee,but now I'm back in Madison so I need a new one. And I'll probably spend all my money trying to visit my boyfriend who lives in Milwaukee this summer.
 Life is a barely flat downhill slope for me. I'll let you know when I'm about to hit rock bottom. It probably won't take long.

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