Here I am, three days left before my book is due, cramming it in so I can finish it. I've found that I've reached that point where you're past the point of no return, when you've fully and over the top have invested yourself into your book. I'm overwhelmed, questioning myself, reintroducing myself to my life, my friends, my goals and motives. I know it happens to other people and it's not just me. But when it happens, I always come to the conclusion that I'm losing my sanity. How can someone so easily and simply lose themselves. It puts a whole new meaning the phrase "to lose yourself in a book". I haven't truly lost myself, that I know. This happens frequently enough that I know the how it goes. I have this day, sometimes days of thinking this story, this book is my life and then I keep reminding myself what is reality and what is fiction.
It's bittersweet. But I fear that only people who read at the high frequency that I do understand. And I'm also a person who tends to over invest myself into things. Stories, books, promises, the news, documentaries, you name it.
It got pretty bad though. Especially with this book, so unlike my typical girly completely fiction books that are usually aimed a young adults (it's a sad confession and guilty pleasure of mine where I have my totally generic and cliche girly feelings and thoughts). There's a love story, which is what got me so far into this deep void that creates this temporary insanity. I was happily committed to finding out how this beloved wife of a husband with a failed marriage was murdered. It was touching, uplifting, inspiring, dreadful, sad, and eye-opening all at the same time. And then BANG. Like a gunshot straight into my heart and to my brain it changed. This beloved wife is conniving, manipulative and playing with my emotions. I was on her team and she knew it and she played me. And this husband who was meant to be this image of a man that you dislike and distrust was the same image but at least you sympathize with him because you realize the person who he was actually married to. Whatever, I'm ruining this story, and without any spoiler-alerts provided beforehand.
When I get to points like this that almost always arrive with the head-over-heals and abuse relationship I develop with every new book, I look at my life and try to see it from another view. Sometimes it's not a good view.... well when I say sometimes I mean it's almost pretty close to very likely. But I realized one thing in particular.
I was seconds away from texting my best friend to admit this to her and I thought "What better way to express this crazy collection of thoughts than to blog it out. Maybe it'll help...maybe I'll write something actually thought provoking, maybe I'll be enlightening to myself." Whatever may happen with this blog, I figured I might as well do something to get myself to do something other than look at one more God damn page of this God forsaken book.
I won't relay to you the connection of thoughts I had to direct me to this conclusion. It's boring and irrelevant and I'm sure boring. But with my best friend, we've both realized that our significant others are almost mirror images of each other, personality wise. My boyfriend is like hers and her boyfriend is like me, give or take a few traits. I was thinking to text her something along the lines of "If you were a boy, I would date you in a second. And I would never break up with you". I mean, essentially, that's what a best friend is, right? Someone you could be with for the rest of your life and still love unconditionally and never want to rid yourself of them. I mean there's always those annoyances that come up in any relationship, but those are expected in friendships, significant others, family members, co-workers, etc. But you love that person so much and to the extent that you don't care. You put up with the annoyances because you realize that this person has flaws like every other human being but you still don't hold it against them. You still love them and wish the best and want them to be happy and want to be apart of their lives so you can share happy moments together and be there for each other. So my best friend, Danielle Worthman, is a person that I feel vulnerable enough at this moment enough to say now that I would spend the rest of my life with her, as her best friend of course. Though she is perfect for me in every way possible, I obviously lack the sexual attraction (though she is beautiful) and I lack the "lesbian" gene (Offensive term, but my bio-science professor kept calling the gene that makes a person gay the "gay gene", and I've realized no one would know the scientific term anyways so it's just easier and quicker. Not saying easier and quicker are excuses, but in this sense I just want to get back onto topic). Anyways, I was going to tell her that I wish we could date because it would just be perfect. And even though we had previously stated how interesting it is that we match each other's significant other, I never once truly thought about the whole "why?" part of that observation.
I guess that's all I really had to say with that. It's the little things that when I get into this mood, I over-analyze everything. And though I've heard over-analysations can lead to the creation of non-existent issues, it can always help solve some questions you've never even known that you've had. Or just solve questions that you never even cared or bothered or wanted to ask.
I'm sorry I sound so deeply profound and moody and artsy fartsy. I'm not always like this. But like I said, it's these gosh dang books. God, do I love them and what they do to me. But they can tear you apart into tiny shreds of mixed up emotions and lead you to an insanity where you have an infinite amount of thoughts running towards, away and parallel to each other all at the same moment over and over and over again. And then when you get to the end of the book (given it be a good, caring, and aware of your emotions kind of book) it will put you to one piece again. I still find that when I'm whole again I still have these thoughts driving me straight to the closest asylum, but I hope with this book, it will make me feel less insane than I feel now.
Wow this sounds pathetic. But I love books. They are an art to me. And when put into words, people who don't understand will see me as being over dramatic and...well...insane. But this is my life. This is my brain. These are my thoughts and these are my feelings.If emotions could be controlled, God what a life I would live. But frankly, my feelings have no off button and neither does my constantly growing curiosity So here I go back into the void... well maybe after I eat and take a nap.
May your stories lead you to only a fleeting moment of insanity.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Sunday, March 31, 2013
More on a Fabulous Topic; Myself
Something to add, that sort of goes with my last blog. I sort of got it from my mom.
Today, which was Easter, I was with my family, of course. And as usual, something happened or was said or brought up that got me all riled up. My boyfriend was smiling, my mom was nodding her head with her usual knowing-grin on her face, and I put together that me being all worked up and blabbing about something probably viewed as not a big deal was amusing to these people. I pointed this out to my mother, where in return she responded "You are a passionate person. You express yourself just as passionately as you feel them". Okay I was paraphrasing and it probably didn't sound that great (sorry mom) but as a summary that's the gist of what she meant. So yes, I do. I get worked up over stupid, and pointless things. But at the time, they are neither pointless or stupid. Or no, maybe that's not it. Maybe it's more of because it's little acts of obscenity or rudeness that are easily and obviously overlooked that people don't think twice about it. Those little things are what make me mad. I mean huge acts of rudeness get to me too. But just as equally as the little ones, and that's because they are so little and no one sees it. And even when I point them out, I still look a little crazy and over dramatic. I over-analyze, true. But that doesn't really change much to me. I can't simply tell myself "okay Emma, you're over-thinking this. It's not that bad" and then instantly be over it. It's not a simple solution. I guess the only solution or way to calm the waters with me is for people to see what I'm saying and agree without laughing it off and telling me "it's not that big of a deal". Obviously, I do think it is sort of a big deal. Not a HUGE one, but it's a deal to me that is apparent and desires some acknowledgement.
I don't mean to say I get angry with people when they don't go with it. I get it. I over-dramatize some things. And not everyone feels the need to waste energy on these things. Maybe I just have so much energy in me that I need to pour it out in issues like these. Who knows?
The point is, I feel passionately about everything.
I rarely find myself in situations where I feel no energy should be wasted on something I don't really care about. Because even if it wasn't an issue I initially cared about, it, at the moment, affects me. So why should I not care?
I do wish I could not care so deeply about everything. It could save me some breath and possible embarrassment from the judgement I receive for it. But I'm also not one to care how people judge me.
(I do care sometimes, about how people judge me. But only on rare occasions)
So there you go. I passionately feel something about something. And I passionately verbalize my opinion.
Today, which was Easter, I was with my family, of course. And as usual, something happened or was said or brought up that got me all riled up. My boyfriend was smiling, my mom was nodding her head with her usual knowing-grin on her face, and I put together that me being all worked up and blabbing about something probably viewed as not a big deal was amusing to these people. I pointed this out to my mother, where in return she responded "You are a passionate person. You express yourself just as passionately as you feel them". Okay I was paraphrasing and it probably didn't sound that great (sorry mom) but as a summary that's the gist of what she meant. So yes, I do. I get worked up over stupid, and pointless things. But at the time, they are neither pointless or stupid. Or no, maybe that's not it. Maybe it's more of because it's little acts of obscenity or rudeness that are easily and obviously overlooked that people don't think twice about it. Those little things are what make me mad. I mean huge acts of rudeness get to me too. But just as equally as the little ones, and that's because they are so little and no one sees it. And even when I point them out, I still look a little crazy and over dramatic. I over-analyze, true. But that doesn't really change much to me. I can't simply tell myself "okay Emma, you're over-thinking this. It's not that bad" and then instantly be over it. It's not a simple solution. I guess the only solution or way to calm the waters with me is for people to see what I'm saying and agree without laughing it off and telling me "it's not that big of a deal". Obviously, I do think it is sort of a big deal. Not a HUGE one, but it's a deal to me that is apparent and desires some acknowledgement.
I don't mean to say I get angry with people when they don't go with it. I get it. I over-dramatize some things. And not everyone feels the need to waste energy on these things. Maybe I just have so much energy in me that I need to pour it out in issues like these. Who knows?
The point is, I feel passionately about everything.
I rarely find myself in situations where I feel no energy should be wasted on something I don't really care about. Because even if it wasn't an issue I initially cared about, it, at the moment, affects me. So why should I not care?
I do wish I could not care so deeply about everything. It could save me some breath and possible embarrassment from the judgement I receive for it. But I'm also not one to care how people judge me.
(I do care sometimes, about how people judge me. But only on rare occasions)
So there you go. I passionately feel something about something. And I passionately verbalize my opinion.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Ungodly Hour of Inspiration
I always choose the probably most inconvenient times to find inspiration.
But here I am, at 1 a.m. finding myself overwhelmed in humanitarians and people of illuminating inspiration.
I've found through quotes and stories that I love who I am. It's the first step, of course, in loving life and being happy. But I am wonderful. I am blissful. I am loud. And I am defiant.
I'm 20 years old, going on 21, and I constantly find myself thinking I'm "stuck" in my years of educating myself through college. Though of course college is my stepping stone to being who I will be in this world. But even when I'm done, it'll be years before I can be someone of recognition.
Even now, though, I see goals and dreams for myself in the future as to who I will be. And it's all a matter of what I'm doing now that will make me that person.
I am a woman. White, yes. Middle class, yes. But still, in some forms, suppressed But lord help me, if that is ever a proper excuse for not doing what I will.
Here is a list of what I've discovered about myself throughout the past few years.
1. I fear being normal and apart of the herd. I wish more than anything to be unique and different.
2. I defy authority on a regular basis.
3. I'm loud and lack the ability to hold my tongue.
4. The points I try to get across are almost always done so in far too many words.
5. I know I don't know as much as I try to lead on, but I sometimes find it hard to admit it to certain people.
6. I have interests in being too many different types of people, with too many different dreams, with too many different skills that I feel bounded by them.
7. I do or say things that I often feel I should have hesitated and thought about beforehand
8. I often involve myself in things that I hold no place in because I feel that my opinion, whether it be a new one or seconded, is needed.
9. I crave recognition.
10. I feel a need to make it clear that I believe myself to be a defiant individual in many ways.
11. I constantly am caught between being a classy woman and a reckless, bold one. Because I can't find where and if there is a line that separates the two.
12. I'm best at expressing myself or my ideas when it is something I feel passionately about.
13. I can't bring myself to believe that the world is black and white. I feel I will always believe that every human being believes themselves to be good. Whether they be tainted with bitterness or spitefulness, they still think they are doing good.
14. I will never in my whole life choose to be ignorant in any situation. I want to know the whole truth about everything. Ignorance may be bliss, but that comes with the choice to educated oneself.
15. I will always do whatever I can possibly do to break any stereotypes that I may fall within.
16. Even with all I've said, I still find myself looking back on recent situations where I'm not pleased with what I said or how I reacted.
17. I hope to never turn my head and pretend I didn't see someone who needed help, even in the most daily and average situations.
18. I wish to be always honest and open about who I am, how I feel, and what I think.
19. I regularly get exceedingly upset with daily stories and examples of intolerance, discrimination, fear in the form of anger, ignorance, and prejudices.
20. Reading is a love of mine and I cannot fathom a world where I don't have new books to discover.
21. I'm extremely curious about anything and everything. It can get me into troubling situations sometimes.
Now some of my favorite quotes I've stumbled upon tonight
“The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.” -William Shakespeare
“There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.” - Dr. Denis Waitley
"We are what we repeatedly do" -Aristotle
And my two favorite at this moment
But here I am, at 1 a.m. finding myself overwhelmed in humanitarians and people of illuminating inspiration.
I've found through quotes and stories that I love who I am. It's the first step, of course, in loving life and being happy. But I am wonderful. I am blissful. I am loud. And I am defiant.
I'm 20 years old, going on 21, and I constantly find myself thinking I'm "stuck" in my years of educating myself through college. Though of course college is my stepping stone to being who I will be in this world. But even when I'm done, it'll be years before I can be someone of recognition.
Even now, though, I see goals and dreams for myself in the future as to who I will be. And it's all a matter of what I'm doing now that will make me that person.
I am a woman. White, yes. Middle class, yes. But still, in some forms, suppressed But lord help me, if that is ever a proper excuse for not doing what I will.
Here is a list of what I've discovered about myself throughout the past few years.
1. I fear being normal and apart of the herd. I wish more than anything to be unique and different.
2. I defy authority on a regular basis.
3. I'm loud and lack the ability to hold my tongue.
4. The points I try to get across are almost always done so in far too many words.
5. I know I don't know as much as I try to lead on, but I sometimes find it hard to admit it to certain people.
6. I have interests in being too many different types of people, with too many different dreams, with too many different skills that I feel bounded by them.
7. I do or say things that I often feel I should have hesitated and thought about beforehand
8. I often involve myself in things that I hold no place in because I feel that my opinion, whether it be a new one or seconded, is needed.
9. I crave recognition.
10. I feel a need to make it clear that I believe myself to be a defiant individual in many ways.
11. I constantly am caught between being a classy woman and a reckless, bold one. Because I can't find where and if there is a line that separates the two.
12. I'm best at expressing myself or my ideas when it is something I feel passionately about.
13. I can't bring myself to believe that the world is black and white. I feel I will always believe that every human being believes themselves to be good. Whether they be tainted with bitterness or spitefulness, they still think they are doing good.
14. I will never in my whole life choose to be ignorant in any situation. I want to know the whole truth about everything. Ignorance may be bliss, but that comes with the choice to educated oneself.
15. I will always do whatever I can possibly do to break any stereotypes that I may fall within.
16. Even with all I've said, I still find myself looking back on recent situations where I'm not pleased with what I said or how I reacted.
17. I hope to never turn my head and pretend I didn't see someone who needed help, even in the most daily and average situations.
18. I wish to be always honest and open about who I am, how I feel, and what I think.
19. I regularly get exceedingly upset with daily stories and examples of intolerance, discrimination, fear in the form of anger, ignorance, and prejudices.
20. Reading is a love of mine and I cannot fathom a world where I don't have new books to discover.
21. I'm extremely curious about anything and everything. It can get me into troubling situations sometimes.
Now some of my favorite quotes I've stumbled upon tonight
“The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.” -William Shakespeare
“The only true wisdom is in
knowing you know nothing.” - Socrates
“I can never read all the
books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I
want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I
want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and
physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.” -Sylvia Plath
"If you obey all the
rules, you miss all the fun." - Katharine Hepburn.
"The most common way
people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any." – Alice Walker.
"I have learned over the years that when one's mind is made up,
this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear."- Rosa Parks
"The question isn’t
who’s going to let me; it’s who is
going to stop me." - Ayn Rand
”It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” - Aristotle
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"We are what we repeatedly do" -Aristotle
And my two favorite at this moment
“I speak my mind because it
hurts to bite my tongue”
"Seduce my mind and you can have my body. Find my soul and I’m yours forever."
That's all I really have to say....sooo yeah!
Goodnight!
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