Something to add, that sort of goes with my last blog. I sort of got it from my mom.
Today, which was Easter, I was with my family, of course. And as usual, something happened or was said or brought up that got me all riled up. My boyfriend was smiling, my mom was nodding her head with her usual knowing-grin on her face, and I put together that me being all worked up and blabbing about something probably viewed as not a big deal was amusing to these people. I pointed this out to my mother, where in return she responded "You are a passionate person. You express yourself just as passionately as you feel them". Okay I was paraphrasing and it probably didn't sound that great (sorry mom) but as a summary that's the gist of what she meant. So yes, I do. I get worked up over stupid, and pointless things. But at the time, they are neither pointless or stupid. Or no, maybe that's not it. Maybe it's more of because it's little acts of obscenity or rudeness that are easily and obviously overlooked that people don't think twice about it. Those little things are what make me mad. I mean huge acts of rudeness get to me too. But just as equally as the little ones, and that's because they are so little and no one sees it. And even when I point them out, I still look a little crazy and over dramatic. I over-analyze, true. But that doesn't really change much to me. I can't simply tell myself "okay Emma, you're over-thinking this. It's not that bad" and then instantly be over it. It's not a simple solution. I guess the only solution or way to calm the waters with me is for people to see what I'm saying and agree without laughing it off and telling me "it's not that big of a deal". Obviously, I do think it is sort of a big deal. Not a HUGE one, but it's a deal to me that is apparent and desires some acknowledgement.
I don't mean to say I get angry with people when they don't go with it. I get it. I over-dramatize some things. And not everyone feels the need to waste energy on these things. Maybe I just have so much energy in me that I need to pour it out in issues like these. Who knows?
The point is, I feel passionately about everything.
I rarely find myself in situations where I feel no energy should be wasted on something I don't really care about. Because even if it wasn't an issue I initially cared about, it, at the moment, affects me. So why should I not care?
I do wish I could not care so deeply about everything. It could save me some breath and possible embarrassment from the judgement I receive for it. But I'm also not one to care how people judge me.
(I do care sometimes, about how people judge me. But only on rare occasions)
So there you go. I passionately feel something about something. And I passionately verbalize my opinion.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Ungodly Hour of Inspiration
I always choose the probably most inconvenient times to find inspiration.
But here I am, at 1 a.m. finding myself overwhelmed in humanitarians and people of illuminating inspiration.
I've found through quotes and stories that I love who I am. It's the first step, of course, in loving life and being happy. But I am wonderful. I am blissful. I am loud. And I am defiant.
I'm 20 years old, going on 21, and I constantly find myself thinking I'm "stuck" in my years of educating myself through college. Though of course college is my stepping stone to being who I will be in this world. But even when I'm done, it'll be years before I can be someone of recognition.
Even now, though, I see goals and dreams for myself in the future as to who I will be. And it's all a matter of what I'm doing now that will make me that person.
I am a woman. White, yes. Middle class, yes. But still, in some forms, suppressed But lord help me, if that is ever a proper excuse for not doing what I will.
Here is a list of what I've discovered about myself throughout the past few years.
1. I fear being normal and apart of the herd. I wish more than anything to be unique and different.
2. I defy authority on a regular basis.
3. I'm loud and lack the ability to hold my tongue.
4. The points I try to get across are almost always done so in far too many words.
5. I know I don't know as much as I try to lead on, but I sometimes find it hard to admit it to certain people.
6. I have interests in being too many different types of people, with too many different dreams, with too many different skills that I feel bounded by them.
7. I do or say things that I often feel I should have hesitated and thought about beforehand
8. I often involve myself in things that I hold no place in because I feel that my opinion, whether it be a new one or seconded, is needed.
9. I crave recognition.
10. I feel a need to make it clear that I believe myself to be a defiant individual in many ways.
11. I constantly am caught between being a classy woman and a reckless, bold one. Because I can't find where and if there is a line that separates the two.
12. I'm best at expressing myself or my ideas when it is something I feel passionately about.
13. I can't bring myself to believe that the world is black and white. I feel I will always believe that every human being believes themselves to be good. Whether they be tainted with bitterness or spitefulness, they still think they are doing good.
14. I will never in my whole life choose to be ignorant in any situation. I want to know the whole truth about everything. Ignorance may be bliss, but that comes with the choice to educated oneself.
15. I will always do whatever I can possibly do to break any stereotypes that I may fall within.
16. Even with all I've said, I still find myself looking back on recent situations where I'm not pleased with what I said or how I reacted.
17. I hope to never turn my head and pretend I didn't see someone who needed help, even in the most daily and average situations.
18. I wish to be always honest and open about who I am, how I feel, and what I think.
19. I regularly get exceedingly upset with daily stories and examples of intolerance, discrimination, fear in the form of anger, ignorance, and prejudices.
20. Reading is a love of mine and I cannot fathom a world where I don't have new books to discover.
21. I'm extremely curious about anything and everything. It can get me into troubling situations sometimes.
Now some of my favorite quotes I've stumbled upon tonight
“The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.” -William Shakespeare
“There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.” - Dr. Denis Waitley
"We are what we repeatedly do" -Aristotle
And my two favorite at this moment
But here I am, at 1 a.m. finding myself overwhelmed in humanitarians and people of illuminating inspiration.
I've found through quotes and stories that I love who I am. It's the first step, of course, in loving life and being happy. But I am wonderful. I am blissful. I am loud. And I am defiant.
I'm 20 years old, going on 21, and I constantly find myself thinking I'm "stuck" in my years of educating myself through college. Though of course college is my stepping stone to being who I will be in this world. But even when I'm done, it'll be years before I can be someone of recognition.
Even now, though, I see goals and dreams for myself in the future as to who I will be. And it's all a matter of what I'm doing now that will make me that person.
I am a woman. White, yes. Middle class, yes. But still, in some forms, suppressed But lord help me, if that is ever a proper excuse for not doing what I will.
Here is a list of what I've discovered about myself throughout the past few years.
1. I fear being normal and apart of the herd. I wish more than anything to be unique and different.
2. I defy authority on a regular basis.
3. I'm loud and lack the ability to hold my tongue.
4. The points I try to get across are almost always done so in far too many words.
5. I know I don't know as much as I try to lead on, but I sometimes find it hard to admit it to certain people.
6. I have interests in being too many different types of people, with too many different dreams, with too many different skills that I feel bounded by them.
7. I do or say things that I often feel I should have hesitated and thought about beforehand
8. I often involve myself in things that I hold no place in because I feel that my opinion, whether it be a new one or seconded, is needed.
9. I crave recognition.
10. I feel a need to make it clear that I believe myself to be a defiant individual in many ways.
11. I constantly am caught between being a classy woman and a reckless, bold one. Because I can't find where and if there is a line that separates the two.
12. I'm best at expressing myself or my ideas when it is something I feel passionately about.
13. I can't bring myself to believe that the world is black and white. I feel I will always believe that every human being believes themselves to be good. Whether they be tainted with bitterness or spitefulness, they still think they are doing good.
14. I will never in my whole life choose to be ignorant in any situation. I want to know the whole truth about everything. Ignorance may be bliss, but that comes with the choice to educated oneself.
15. I will always do whatever I can possibly do to break any stereotypes that I may fall within.
16. Even with all I've said, I still find myself looking back on recent situations where I'm not pleased with what I said or how I reacted.
17. I hope to never turn my head and pretend I didn't see someone who needed help, even in the most daily and average situations.
18. I wish to be always honest and open about who I am, how I feel, and what I think.
19. I regularly get exceedingly upset with daily stories and examples of intolerance, discrimination, fear in the form of anger, ignorance, and prejudices.
20. Reading is a love of mine and I cannot fathom a world where I don't have new books to discover.
21. I'm extremely curious about anything and everything. It can get me into troubling situations sometimes.
Now some of my favorite quotes I've stumbled upon tonight
“The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.” -William Shakespeare
“The only true wisdom is in
knowing you know nothing.” - Socrates
“I can never read all the
books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I
want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I
want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and
physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.” -Sylvia Plath
"If you obey all the
rules, you miss all the fun." - Katharine Hepburn.
"The most common way
people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any." – Alice Walker.
"I have learned over the years that when one's mind is made up,
this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear."- Rosa Parks
"The question isn’t
who’s going to let me; it’s who is
going to stop me." - Ayn Rand
”It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” - Aristotle
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"We are what we repeatedly do" -Aristotle
And my two favorite at this moment
“I speak my mind because it
hurts to bite my tongue”
"Seduce my mind and you can have my body. Find my soul and I’m yours forever."
That's all I really have to say....sooo yeah!
Goodnight!
Sunday, May 20, 2012
So I know it's been a while. A couple months actually.
Writing this blog has become difficult for me. I was talking to my brother, the God of blogging, and a I told him I had problems writing blogs because I feel like I have no direction in my writing. There's no greater point or goal I'm writing about the links all my blogs to one thing. My last one, I just wrote about Croatia. I feel like writing about multiple experiences and feelings you have when abroad in a foreign country for a year gives direction to a blog. It's better for the reader when there's a point to it all. But mine now doesn't really have one. It first was my getting over Croatia. Then me starting college. Then me trying to get friends. Now I don't know.
The current goal I have set for myself is to pass college and be done with it. There are a lot of other things I would want to do more than anything, but college is now and I need to get it out of the way. So that's the direction my blog has taken, but it's not a very interesting one.
So because of this, I find writing blogs to be not so easy. I apologize for my blogs not being all the easy to make to the end of or if you lose interest.
Current headline to my life. I have a boyfriend. Yes, I know, it's a miracle. I messaged my host mom about it and she is demanding we skype so she can grill me for answers. I'm sure she has prayed to God thanking him and praying I can keep this one so I don't die alone. Whateves
I'm home now for the summer. It's only the first day I'm back and I'm feeling discombobulated. My friends from college aren't here. My boyfriends not here. I have no classes to go to. No job I have to show up for. No studying to do. I can't even work out for free at the local gym.
I don't know what to do with myself (which is probably why I'm blogging)
I've realized that last summer I was pretty much in the funkiest state of depression. My friends were too busy doing other stuff since they found other people to hangout with while I was gone. My family had their own obligations. I couldn't find a job. All I did was sit in my basement reading books and facebook stalking Croatians. I was honest to God depressed. I was so lost. I was in a reverse culture shock that tore me apart. Some times I feel myself slipping back into it. I can not begin to explain the agony that can over come me when I begin to miss Croatia. It took me a good half of a year to learn how to repress those feelings or distract myself from them. It is an honest to God heart-break. The worst I've ever experienced.
And I know I talk about Croatia a lot in my blogs, so I apologize. I have no real excuse other than I love it and I can't get it out of my head. Ever.
My best friend from last year, Dani from Denver, is going back to Croatia this summer. There's not words to explain my jealousy. I can't stand it. I honest to God am brought to tears when I think about how now is the perfect chance for me to go back. It's been a whole year, I'm afraid I can't push myself another year without some Croatia before I have a mental breakdown. But there's no way I can afford to go. It would take all the money in my bank account. And there's no way my parents can afford to help. It kills me. Honestly tears me apart.
I guess this was just a blog to update everyone on the continuation of my depressed state of missing Croatia. College is good. I pass my first year. I have a flat with two of my friends for the next year. I'm 20 years old, almost legal to drink. I actually found a job as a caregiver in Milwaukee,but now I'm back in Madison so I need a new one. And I'll probably spend all my money trying to visit my boyfriend who lives in Milwaukee this summer.
Life is a barely flat downhill slope for me. I'll let you know when I'm about to hit rock bottom. It probably won't take long.
Writing this blog has become difficult for me. I was talking to my brother, the God of blogging, and a I told him I had problems writing blogs because I feel like I have no direction in my writing. There's no greater point or goal I'm writing about the links all my blogs to one thing. My last one, I just wrote about Croatia. I feel like writing about multiple experiences and feelings you have when abroad in a foreign country for a year gives direction to a blog. It's better for the reader when there's a point to it all. But mine now doesn't really have one. It first was my getting over Croatia. Then me starting college. Then me trying to get friends. Now I don't know.
The current goal I have set for myself is to pass college and be done with it. There are a lot of other things I would want to do more than anything, but college is now and I need to get it out of the way. So that's the direction my blog has taken, but it's not a very interesting one.
So because of this, I find writing blogs to be not so easy. I apologize for my blogs not being all the easy to make to the end of or if you lose interest.
Current headline to my life. I have a boyfriend. Yes, I know, it's a miracle. I messaged my host mom about it and she is demanding we skype so she can grill me for answers. I'm sure she has prayed to God thanking him and praying I can keep this one so I don't die alone. Whateves
I'm home now for the summer. It's only the first day I'm back and I'm feeling discombobulated. My friends from college aren't here. My boyfriends not here. I have no classes to go to. No job I have to show up for. No studying to do. I can't even work out for free at the local gym.
I don't know what to do with myself (which is probably why I'm blogging)
I've realized that last summer I was pretty much in the funkiest state of depression. My friends were too busy doing other stuff since they found other people to hangout with while I was gone. My family had their own obligations. I couldn't find a job. All I did was sit in my basement reading books and facebook stalking Croatians. I was honest to God depressed. I was so lost. I was in a reverse culture shock that tore me apart. Some times I feel myself slipping back into it. I can not begin to explain the agony that can over come me when I begin to miss Croatia. It took me a good half of a year to learn how to repress those feelings or distract myself from them. It is an honest to God heart-break. The worst I've ever experienced.
And I know I talk about Croatia a lot in my blogs, so I apologize. I have no real excuse other than I love it and I can't get it out of my head. Ever.
My best friend from last year, Dani from Denver, is going back to Croatia this summer. There's not words to explain my jealousy. I can't stand it. I honest to God am brought to tears when I think about how now is the perfect chance for me to go back. It's been a whole year, I'm afraid I can't push myself another year without some Croatia before I have a mental breakdown. But there's no way I can afford to go. It would take all the money in my bank account. And there's no way my parents can afford to help. It kills me. Honestly tears me apart.
I guess this was just a blog to update everyone on the continuation of my depressed state of missing Croatia. College is good. I pass my first year. I have a flat with two of my friends for the next year. I'm 20 years old, almost legal to drink. I actually found a job as a caregiver in Milwaukee,but now I'm back in Madison so I need a new one. And I'll probably spend all my money trying to visit my boyfriend who lives in Milwaukee this summer.
Life is a barely flat downhill slope for me. I'll let you know when I'm about to hit rock bottom. It probably won't take long.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
So it is in fact Valentines Day but that is totally irrelevant to my blog or even me.
Hanyvays.
So first semester of college was a little rough. I feel like I put myself into this depressive mode. I was bummed...a lot. Because I missed Croatia and my friends and my life. But I couldn't let myself move on. I was stuck in that Croatia life and I didn't want to move onto the next part of my life. I mean...lezbehonest...who would want to?
But anyways I didn't put myself out there all that much. I spent too much time dwelling on the past, missing it. I didn't have a lot of friends here and I didn't have much of a life outside of my dorm room.
But now that it's second semester, I find myself feeling like I spend more time outside with people and not sitting around filling my head with sad thoughts.
I'm happy right now!
It's amazing.
I had talked to my Croatian friends and they had all seemed fine and dandy. They had their friends, their jobs, their school work and whatever else to help them. Awesome for them. But basically I was the only one stuck in that funk.
When I look back at first semester though, I feel like I was lost. Like honestly, I wasn't as goofy and silly and weird and loud as I used to be. I was so depressing. I think I was bitchy to people and kind of short tempered.
Now when I'm with my friends I feel like Emma again. I see her coming back more and more each day.
I thought I could be strong enough to be myself without anyone's help. I figured I was strong enough as a person to not need help. And I hate admitting to anyone especially myself that I need help. But here's Emma being honest like she's learned to be. I needed help. Not like serious help where I need to be medicated or therapy, God no. I mean like someone to make me feel better.
But I guess it's true. I get by with "a little help from my friends" as the song goes. It honest to God surprises me every time just how much just having a friend can make things better. Lucky for me I have more than just one. It's surprising how just one person can make you feel better. Feel more alive and crazier.
It's freaking Valentines Day! And I'm more than happy to just have friends to spend it with.
So this is my blog I suppose just telling everyone that Emma is fine. Emma is happy. Emma is crazy. Emma is Emma. Just being merely Emma again is good enough to make me feel like life is good.
Hanyvays.
So first semester of college was a little rough. I feel like I put myself into this depressive mode. I was bummed...a lot. Because I missed Croatia and my friends and my life. But I couldn't let myself move on. I was stuck in that Croatia life and I didn't want to move onto the next part of my life. I mean...lezbehonest...who would want to?
But anyways I didn't put myself out there all that much. I spent too much time dwelling on the past, missing it. I didn't have a lot of friends here and I didn't have much of a life outside of my dorm room.
But now that it's second semester, I find myself feeling like I spend more time outside with people and not sitting around filling my head with sad thoughts.
I'm happy right now!
It's amazing.
I had talked to my Croatian friends and they had all seemed fine and dandy. They had their friends, their jobs, their school work and whatever else to help them. Awesome for them. But basically I was the only one stuck in that funk.
When I look back at first semester though, I feel like I was lost. Like honestly, I wasn't as goofy and silly and weird and loud as I used to be. I was so depressing. I think I was bitchy to people and kind of short tempered.
Now when I'm with my friends I feel like Emma again. I see her coming back more and more each day.
I thought I could be strong enough to be myself without anyone's help. I figured I was strong enough as a person to not need help. And I hate admitting to anyone especially myself that I need help. But here's Emma being honest like she's learned to be. I needed help. Not like serious help where I need to be medicated or therapy, God no. I mean like someone to make me feel better.
But I guess it's true. I get by with "a little help from my friends" as the song goes. It honest to God surprises me every time just how much just having a friend can make things better. Lucky for me I have more than just one. It's surprising how just one person can make you feel better. Feel more alive and crazier.
It's freaking Valentines Day! And I'm more than happy to just have friends to spend it with.
So this is my blog I suppose just telling everyone that Emma is fine. Emma is happy. Emma is crazy. Emma is Emma. Just being merely Emma again is good enough to make me feel like life is good.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
So here's another saga of an ex-exchange student.
I'm being haunted by memories of Croatia.
Last year I spent my Christmas time missing home. Totally understandable.
I didn't cry or weep or sit around being a little Negative Nelly. That wouldn't be a good look for an exchange student. But God did I miss home. I looked at statuses and pictures of people talking about being home for Christmas. I was jealous and upset. I wanted to spend my Christmas with my family, more than anything.
(In my other blog page I mentioned that Thanksgiving was harder than Christmas for me, but regardless, they were both pretty hard. Christmas was just easier because I'd already gone through the extreme need to be with my family already so I knew how to deal.)
But anyways. It was hard for me.
Now that I'm home and spent my Christmas with my family, I feel something else towards it. Don't get me wrong, I'm more than happy to be home for Christmas this year. It's nice to see what I missed out on last year and all. But I still find myself sad and missing something else.
I'm missing my Christmas in Croatia. With that family. With those friends. With those memories. With that life.
I've been struggling with this long enough to ponder and analyze myself enough that it's gotten to the point where I can't sleep.
Every moment of everyday I sit around thinking about something or someone from my year abroad.
I might have thought before was hard, but this is an all time low.
With every break up or sad parting, people say give it time and you'll be okay.
I'm not okay. I mean, granted, they probably mean a whole lot more time than six months but it's most definitely not getting any easier. It gets harder and harder as the months go by.
And that was before the dreams started.
About two weeks ago, my brain turned against me. Every night I go to sleep feeling moderately okay. But as soon as I wake up from whatever tortuous dream my brain has put me through, I feel lost and confused and sad.
Every night I have a dream about being in Croatia or in Europe or with my friends or family from Croatia.
As soon as I wake up, I have to remind myself of where I am. Remind myself I'm in the states, in my bed, with my family and my cats. And I still feel an overwhelming wave of sadness hit me. It's a struggle every morning when I have to deal with an actual dream of me returning to my 2nd home to find out that I wasn't really there, and it was all an illusion and that happiness was only fleeting.
It sucks balls.
I sort of tried talking to my sister and dad about one dream but it just sounded like another whine about how I miss Croatia and how everything here wasn't good enough for me and yada yada yada. Which is most definitely not the case.
I love being home. I love having my family so nearby and being able to spend hours talking to them without having to worry about my mic not working on skype or the hour being too late due to the time difference.
It all just sucks.
That's the amount of vocab I can put into this feeling after spending one semester in college. I know, impressive.
It's the best way I can describe it without carrying on with adjectives and analogies and what not.
It all just sucks so much.
I'm not much of one to cry about a lot so it's good to know that it hasn't gotten that low. But I'm afraid for the day when it will.
I would do anything in my power to go back to Croatia. Even for a day, though I know it wouldn't be long enough. No time will.
I'm like a lovesick twilight fan here. Bleh!
And when I say that memories of it trouble me, I don't mean like five minutes of it every other day. It's usually about every other five minutes of every day. It blows.
And I know that if I was in Croatia for another year, I'd sit there complaining about how I miss things from Wisconsin.
I just can't be happy.
I want what I don't have. Always a problem for any common human being, more specially a dramatic teenage girl who has an unhealthy relationship with her cats.
I'd do anything to have the money to live in Croatia. I want to go to college there so badly. Hopefully get a job there so I can come home for holidays. Maybe that'd balance out. But I've looked into colleges and all and have come to the conclusion that a college degree in the U.S. looks 10 times better than one from Croatia. But still...boo!
I'm sorry if this is a weird blog. It's just a sad one about a sad girl with sad hopes and sad problems.
I just hope that these gosh dang dreams lighten up a little.
Croatia haunts me.... First world problems, I know.
Well that was my boo whoo moment for the time being. I'm sorry for those who read this that I took it out on you. No amount of talking about it makes it better, it probably only makes it worse. Since talking about it leads me to finding solutions that never really are good ones in the long run so it only leads me to feeling like there's not much hope. And then I'm back to the drawing board. And not to mention the fact that I bum out everyone who had to listen to it.
Okay whatever, I'll man up, rub some dirt in it, grow some balls, be a lady and all.
Here's to me, growing a pair.
Night y'all
I'm being haunted by memories of Croatia.
Last year I spent my Christmas time missing home. Totally understandable.
I didn't cry or weep or sit around being a little Negative Nelly. That wouldn't be a good look for an exchange student. But God did I miss home. I looked at statuses and pictures of people talking about being home for Christmas. I was jealous and upset. I wanted to spend my Christmas with my family, more than anything.
(In my other blog page I mentioned that Thanksgiving was harder than Christmas for me, but regardless, they were both pretty hard. Christmas was just easier because I'd already gone through the extreme need to be with my family already so I knew how to deal.)
But anyways. It was hard for me.
Now that I'm home and spent my Christmas with my family, I feel something else towards it. Don't get me wrong, I'm more than happy to be home for Christmas this year. It's nice to see what I missed out on last year and all. But I still find myself sad and missing something else.
I'm missing my Christmas in Croatia. With that family. With those friends. With those memories. With that life.
I've been struggling with this long enough to ponder and analyze myself enough that it's gotten to the point where I can't sleep.
Every moment of everyday I sit around thinking about something or someone from my year abroad.
I might have thought before was hard, but this is an all time low.
With every break up or sad parting, people say give it time and you'll be okay.
I'm not okay. I mean, granted, they probably mean a whole lot more time than six months but it's most definitely not getting any easier. It gets harder and harder as the months go by.
And that was before the dreams started.
About two weeks ago, my brain turned against me. Every night I go to sleep feeling moderately okay. But as soon as I wake up from whatever tortuous dream my brain has put me through, I feel lost and confused and sad.
Every night I have a dream about being in Croatia or in Europe or with my friends or family from Croatia.
As soon as I wake up, I have to remind myself of where I am. Remind myself I'm in the states, in my bed, with my family and my cats. And I still feel an overwhelming wave of sadness hit me. It's a struggle every morning when I have to deal with an actual dream of me returning to my 2nd home to find out that I wasn't really there, and it was all an illusion and that happiness was only fleeting.
It sucks balls.
I sort of tried talking to my sister and dad about one dream but it just sounded like another whine about how I miss Croatia and how everything here wasn't good enough for me and yada yada yada. Which is most definitely not the case.
I love being home. I love having my family so nearby and being able to spend hours talking to them without having to worry about my mic not working on skype or the hour being too late due to the time difference.
It all just sucks.
That's the amount of vocab I can put into this feeling after spending one semester in college. I know, impressive.
It's the best way I can describe it without carrying on with adjectives and analogies and what not.
It all just sucks so much.
I'm not much of one to cry about a lot so it's good to know that it hasn't gotten that low. But I'm afraid for the day when it will.
I would do anything in my power to go back to Croatia. Even for a day, though I know it wouldn't be long enough. No time will.
I'm like a lovesick twilight fan here. Bleh!
And when I say that memories of it trouble me, I don't mean like five minutes of it every other day. It's usually about every other five minutes of every day. It blows.
And I know that if I was in Croatia for another year, I'd sit there complaining about how I miss things from Wisconsin.
I just can't be happy.
I want what I don't have. Always a problem for any common human being, more specially a dramatic teenage girl who has an unhealthy relationship with her cats.
I'd do anything to have the money to live in Croatia. I want to go to college there so badly. Hopefully get a job there so I can come home for holidays. Maybe that'd balance out. But I've looked into colleges and all and have come to the conclusion that a college degree in the U.S. looks 10 times better than one from Croatia. But still...boo!
I'm sorry if this is a weird blog. It's just a sad one about a sad girl with sad hopes and sad problems.
I just hope that these gosh dang dreams lighten up a little.
Croatia haunts me.... First world problems, I know.
Well that was my boo whoo moment for the time being. I'm sorry for those who read this that I took it out on you. No amount of talking about it makes it better, it probably only makes it worse. Since talking about it leads me to finding solutions that never really are good ones in the long run so it only leads me to feeling like there's not much hope. And then I'm back to the drawing board. And not to mention the fact that I bum out everyone who had to listen to it.
Okay whatever, I'll man up, rub some dirt in it, grow some balls, be a lady and all.
Here's to me, growing a pair.
Night y'all
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGGG
So I consider this fabulous news. Brightened my day up after listening all day to professors talking about all the up and coming exams I'm about to sell my soul for to pass.
While in Croatia, at my Croatian school, I didn't exactly have a lot of friends. It's was a sticky situation because the kids in my class were used to having exchange students and the Americans before me were sent home for smoking some illegal substances. They weren't all that open to more exchangers, especially their last year together, and not exactly thrilled with Americans. So there were only a couple kids in my class who were open to me and inviting. Three, to be more exact. One had a boyfriend she spent a lot of time with. One was the friendly, unavailable hot guy with many friends. And the last was an extremely flamboyant guy. I loved hanging out with the last one because he was into the same things as me, funny, and actually paid attention to me which my other classmates failed to do. Since we talked all the time, some classmates rumored that he had a crush on me. But I wasn't so sure because I knew he was gay...but I was the only one who knew, literally, only one (meaning he did not). He found out about my brother being gay later on and I told him about some of my gay friends.
To those who don't know, being gay in Croatia is 100 times harder than the U.S. Yes there are people who accept it with no judgement, but I only met a few people like that. It's sort of frowned upon which made me upset but you can't change a whole countries view point by yourself, much less in one year. I worked on it with my first host sister and some friends, including my in-the-closet friend.
Today, however, we were messaging each other asking how each other's lives were and all and that's when I heard the glorious news. He came out to me!
I'm beyond beyond beyonddd excited for him. I know that life is going to be difficult for him, and God do I know that people would be easier on him if he weren't gay. But we are who we are, as Ke$ha put so nicely. And life only gets harder for us when we deny that fact.
I don't know who else he has come out to or if he has come out to anyone else at all. But I can't help to think that maybe I helped him. Or at least I could be there for him when he needed someone.
I know that the sayings all say something about changing the world one person at a time or whatever it is. I sort of knew it was possible, but I didn't seem myself really doing anything, not yet at least. But it's moments like this that make it worth the effort. Just one person, that's all I needed.
Goal #1- Get a gay out of the closet.
CHECK
next on my list, world hunger. easy piecey lemon squeezey.
I AM WOMAN! AHHH
I'm sorry I'm trying my best to put my excitement into this blog without coming off as an annoying 13 year old.
Hello, my name is Emma. And I'm here to make you gays come out and pass my econ exam, all in one week.
Reminds me, I have to study for econ now.
See you on the flip side
So I consider this fabulous news. Brightened my day up after listening all day to professors talking about all the up and coming exams I'm about to sell my soul for to pass.
While in Croatia, at my Croatian school, I didn't exactly have a lot of friends. It's was a sticky situation because the kids in my class were used to having exchange students and the Americans before me were sent home for smoking some illegal substances. They weren't all that open to more exchangers, especially their last year together, and not exactly thrilled with Americans. So there were only a couple kids in my class who were open to me and inviting. Three, to be more exact. One had a boyfriend she spent a lot of time with. One was the friendly, unavailable hot guy with many friends. And the last was an extremely flamboyant guy. I loved hanging out with the last one because he was into the same things as me, funny, and actually paid attention to me which my other classmates failed to do. Since we talked all the time, some classmates rumored that he had a crush on me. But I wasn't so sure because I knew he was gay...but I was the only one who knew, literally, only one (meaning he did not). He found out about my brother being gay later on and I told him about some of my gay friends.
To those who don't know, being gay in Croatia is 100 times harder than the U.S. Yes there are people who accept it with no judgement, but I only met a few people like that. It's sort of frowned upon which made me upset but you can't change a whole countries view point by yourself, much less in one year. I worked on it with my first host sister and some friends, including my in-the-closet friend.
Today, however, we were messaging each other asking how each other's lives were and all and that's when I heard the glorious news. He came out to me!
I'm beyond beyond beyonddd excited for him. I know that life is going to be difficult for him, and God do I know that people would be easier on him if he weren't gay. But we are who we are, as Ke$ha put so nicely. And life only gets harder for us when we deny that fact.
I don't know who else he has come out to or if he has come out to anyone else at all. But I can't help to think that maybe I helped him. Or at least I could be there for him when he needed someone.
I know that the sayings all say something about changing the world one person at a time or whatever it is. I sort of knew it was possible, but I didn't seem myself really doing anything, not yet at least. But it's moments like this that make it worth the effort. Just one person, that's all I needed.
Goal #1- Get a gay out of the closet.
CHECK
next on my list, world hunger. easy piecey lemon squeezey.
I AM WOMAN! AHHH
I'm sorry I'm trying my best to put my excitement into this blog without coming off as an annoying 13 year old.
Hello, my name is Emma. And I'm here to make you gays come out and pass my econ exam, all in one week.
Reminds me, I have to study for econ now.
See you on the flip side
Thursday, December 1, 2011
To the people who have done me wrong, upset me, never apologized, or never cared. And it's to the people who I never got to apologize to, or explain myself.
Does it make you feel special? When I constantly check up on you to see how you are, how life is, what you've been doing, do you ever care about me? Do you even realize that I'm trying? Do you care that I'm trying? Does it make you feel superior to me because I appear to care more for you than you do for me? Do you ever wonder how that makes me feel?
Maybe I don't care for you more than you do for me. But I was just born with a heart and the ability to care for someone else's feelings. Maybe I don't like having troubles sleeping at night because I mistreated a "friend" by not showing them much compassion.
Do you ever think about our friendship? Our memories? Does it ever make you sad? Do you miss it at all?
I'd be honest with you and tell you that I missed it, but since you haven't exactly been to upfront and honest with me, I guess I'll keep that to myself. I would hate to appear to care for you more than you do for me. And I would hate to put you in the position where you'd have to show some sort of emotional connection with me, or just any kind of connection.
Do you ever look back and wonder "what if I gave Emma a chance?" I do, every day. I sit there and think about how you tore me down with no thought about my well-being, my physical or emotional state, or much less what I wanted. I sit and think and think and the bitterness just grows and grows. I thought maybe, if I just let it go, I'd realize it wasn't a big deal and I'd hate you less and less. But I guess that when it was my own chance, my own opportunity, that I sat by patiently waiting for, no matter how big of a deal it had been or not, it was something I worked my butt off for and waited for only to have it ripped away from me because you didn't think I tried that hard, I just can't seem to let it go. Do you ever realize how much effect you can have on someone life? Does it ever shock you how you can be imprinted in someone else's memories for the actions you take on them?
I tend to be level headed. I defend both sides of every argument.
But I can't defend you. I can't see your side as anything but selfish, immature, and rude.
It's sad that people might actually look up to you. It's unfortunate that you know people look up to you. And you continue to do what you do with pride.
When you look back on your past, do you only see yourself? Or do you see me in it too? I look back on your past and all I see is you. I was apart of it. It effected me more than you know. But you never wanted me there. I was never included. Life is full of mistakes. But the same mistake day after day, month after month, year after year. No one seems to understand the depth of your mistake on my life. The power you hold over my childhood memories is grave. You have been and always will be apart of my life. And that is how I would want it. But the pain doesn't really go away. I can forget for a few hours, maybe even days. But sooner or later I look back and think "why wasn't I wanted? why couldn't I be loved or liked by you? what could I have done differently? and was it all worth it for you?" Do you regret those things you did? Does it ever bother you that you ripped apart the people who only cared for you the most? Do you ever feel a need to bring it up and say you're sorry? Do you ever feel like breaking down and crying about it? Or does it make it easier for you to act like it never happened?
How dare you. How dare you! I don't know who you think you are? But I'll tell you one thing, you are nothing near better than me. You're nothing near better than anyone here. You say these things that you don't mean and don't understand only because you have one goal; to tears us down. You don't know me. You don't know him or him or her. You see only with your eyes. You listened only with your ears. You don't put any more effort into the people around you because you don't think you need to. You don't think you should have to because who are we compared to you? Right? Well I'll tell you one thing. We are humans. We are people. We love who we love. We say what we feel. We see and listen and speak with our hearts. We understand people because what is it all worth if you don't try to understand others. You are an inconsiderate human being. You won't go anywhere in life because you make no effort to change where you are. You are content with knowing only what you've ever known. Knowledge to you could be summed up in one thin paperback book. We, on the other hand, want to advance. We want to be more than what we are now. We want to impress people, break stereotypes, and prove to people that we are who we choose to be. The law can't tell us who to be. You can't tell us who to be. I hope your life as something totally and completely unimportant and insignificant fills you up. I hope that at the end of you day, your the happiest you've ever been, which probably won't be that great. But I do hope that you think you are feeling happiness. I hope you think you feel fulfilled. Because I'm a considerate person, you asshole.
I'm sorry. The words are said to easily sometimes and without the amount of feelings it suppose to have. But I say it with the true means of an apology. I'm sorry. I won't add a but, or however. Because a true apology has no excuse. I won't sit here and say I'm sorry, but (insert something that generally means I still think I was right). What I did was rude and made me the years worst friend. I only thought about myself. I put thoughts into my head where I could turn the situation and blame it on you. And when I said it out loud, it never really truly made sense. Iit was all I needed to justify my actions. I know, now, far too late, that it didn't justify anything. Well, it sure justified my bitch move. My total and complete failure and being a humane and normal human being who had a heart. I was scared. I was confused. I didn't know what to think or feel or.... I thought pushing you like that, away, would make me feel better. And, I'll be blunt and honest, I thought it did make me feel better. To just be alone. That feeling didn't last long, though. Now I live remembering how I treated you and I hate who I was towards you everyday. I know now it may not seem like a big deal. It was a long time ago. I was suppose to be a friend. And I did a terrible job of that.
I don't know why you hate me so. I really can't bring myself to say I hate you, even with all the things you did to me. I think you just woke up one morning and the first thing you thought was "I'm going to hate Emma". When I thought you were maybe afraid I was after your boyfriend, I sent an apology to you saying I had no intentions with him. I made it clear to you that I was a friend. And what did you do? You sent me hate mail. You bitched and yelled and did whatever you could think of to tear me apart. You tried to pull my friends away from me. You tried to make me look bad. You took whatever opportunity you could to turn the tables on everything I did, so that I would be to blame or at fault. You tried and tried, but because you didn't realize that I am, in fact, Emma FREAKING Hansen, you failed and you failed. I take no glory in that...okay maybe a little. But I don't mean to rub it in your face. But why is it that you disliked me so much? I never wronged you. I never even talked to you until you decided we were enemies. You were a stranger to me and I was and am a stranger to you. I guess when the day is done, you need someone to blame. Having a reason for the terrible things in life makes it easier. Why would you want to live each day thinking terrible things happen randomly without reason to innocent people? It's terrible and scary. Life is always more surreal with a person to blame. And I was your opportunity to shut out the truths of the world and the chaos it brings. I was you scapegoat.
I won't say who these are for. And I'm not sure why I feel a need to post it.
Majority of suicide attempts are never really meant to follow through with the deed. The people attempting are only hoping for the attention, for the last minute realization people have about how much they truly care for that person who almost lost their lives. It may seem stupid, selfish. But everyone needs a little of that every now and then. Otherwise, we just feel alone, and feeling alone leads to a list of other unhappy feelings that lead to an unhappy half-said, half-lived life.
So maybe this is my form of suicide attempt. I'm analyzing my decision to post this as I write now. I wasn't going to in the beginning.
I was just having those thoughts you have late at night, right before you fall asleep. Those what-ifs and wishes to go back and say more or less. And I felt like I needed to let it out. To write it down, in hopes that the guilt feelings of never speaking up would disappear.
Sidenote (God I know this is long...longer that I expected)
I was reading this book.The story line would make you roll your eyes but basically this guy, possible mythical creature like a fairy, is on a search to find himself a soul. He has to go through these tests to see if he can handle it. One test includes him being normal, without a power meaning he is weaker, defenseless, and harder to heal. Another test includes him having to realize he will be mortal and will die. And the last test is living with the guilt that he use to be able to so easily push aside and forget. He had done terrible things to people and remembering it made him want to end his trials right there and find a dark hole and die in it.
My point is, that the thing that gives us a soul, is being able to live with the guilt. Having guilt is not a pleasurable or enviable trait. But us dealing with it, everyday, being able to face reminders and live to see the next sunrise...it's extraordinary. We constantly underestimate the strength we all hold within our own minds. We all have our own battles. We are all fighting something. But we live each day, going about our business, communicating...as if there are no guns going off in your head...we are strong and we are amazing.
Well anyways, the reason I posted this is not so clear to me. I want to be honest and tell you whatever it honestly is that brings me to hit PUBLISH POST. But it may have to be something I ponder as I fall asleep tonight.
It could be because there's always that small part of you that just wants someone to know. It's hard to just be in their face and saying it. But to think that there is a possibility they know but you don't know for sure, it's more comforting...I'm not sure. This could be something that only I feel...which only makes me look like a bitch, but hey, this is who I am.
Sweet dreams world.
Remember, seriously, we are all so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Remind yourself of that more often, because I have a feeling that we don't hear that enough.
Does it make you feel special? When I constantly check up on you to see how you are, how life is, what you've been doing, do you ever care about me? Do you even realize that I'm trying? Do you care that I'm trying? Does it make you feel superior to me because I appear to care more for you than you do for me? Do you ever wonder how that makes me feel?
Maybe I don't care for you more than you do for me. But I was just born with a heart and the ability to care for someone else's feelings. Maybe I don't like having troubles sleeping at night because I mistreated a "friend" by not showing them much compassion.
Do you ever think about our friendship? Our memories? Does it ever make you sad? Do you miss it at all?
I'd be honest with you and tell you that I missed it, but since you haven't exactly been to upfront and honest with me, I guess I'll keep that to myself. I would hate to appear to care for you more than you do for me. And I would hate to put you in the position where you'd have to show some sort of emotional connection with me, or just any kind of connection.
Do you ever look back and wonder "what if I gave Emma a chance?" I do, every day. I sit there and think about how you tore me down with no thought about my well-being, my physical or emotional state, or much less what I wanted. I sit and think and think and the bitterness just grows and grows. I thought maybe, if I just let it go, I'd realize it wasn't a big deal and I'd hate you less and less. But I guess that when it was my own chance, my own opportunity, that I sat by patiently waiting for, no matter how big of a deal it had been or not, it was something I worked my butt off for and waited for only to have it ripped away from me because you didn't think I tried that hard, I just can't seem to let it go. Do you ever realize how much effect you can have on someone life? Does it ever shock you how you can be imprinted in someone else's memories for the actions you take on them?
I tend to be level headed. I defend both sides of every argument.
But I can't defend you. I can't see your side as anything but selfish, immature, and rude.
It's sad that people might actually look up to you. It's unfortunate that you know people look up to you. And you continue to do what you do with pride.
When you look back on your past, do you only see yourself? Or do you see me in it too? I look back on your past and all I see is you. I was apart of it. It effected me more than you know. But you never wanted me there. I was never included. Life is full of mistakes. But the same mistake day after day, month after month, year after year. No one seems to understand the depth of your mistake on my life. The power you hold over my childhood memories is grave. You have been and always will be apart of my life. And that is how I would want it. But the pain doesn't really go away. I can forget for a few hours, maybe even days. But sooner or later I look back and think "why wasn't I wanted? why couldn't I be loved or liked by you? what could I have done differently? and was it all worth it for you?" Do you regret those things you did? Does it ever bother you that you ripped apart the people who only cared for you the most? Do you ever feel a need to bring it up and say you're sorry? Do you ever feel like breaking down and crying about it? Or does it make it easier for you to act like it never happened?
How dare you. How dare you! I don't know who you think you are? But I'll tell you one thing, you are nothing near better than me. You're nothing near better than anyone here. You say these things that you don't mean and don't understand only because you have one goal; to tears us down. You don't know me. You don't know him or him or her. You see only with your eyes. You listened only with your ears. You don't put any more effort into the people around you because you don't think you need to. You don't think you should have to because who are we compared to you? Right? Well I'll tell you one thing. We are humans. We are people. We love who we love. We say what we feel. We see and listen and speak with our hearts. We understand people because what is it all worth if you don't try to understand others. You are an inconsiderate human being. You won't go anywhere in life because you make no effort to change where you are. You are content with knowing only what you've ever known. Knowledge to you could be summed up in one thin paperback book. We, on the other hand, want to advance. We want to be more than what we are now. We want to impress people, break stereotypes, and prove to people that we are who we choose to be. The law can't tell us who to be. You can't tell us who to be. I hope your life as something totally and completely unimportant and insignificant fills you up. I hope that at the end of you day, your the happiest you've ever been, which probably won't be that great. But I do hope that you think you are feeling happiness. I hope you think you feel fulfilled. Because I'm a considerate person, you asshole.
I'm sorry. The words are said to easily sometimes and without the amount of feelings it suppose to have. But I say it with the true means of an apology. I'm sorry. I won't add a but, or however. Because a true apology has no excuse. I won't sit here and say I'm sorry, but (insert something that generally means I still think I was right). What I did was rude and made me the years worst friend. I only thought about myself. I put thoughts into my head where I could turn the situation and blame it on you. And when I said it out loud, it never really truly made sense. Iit was all I needed to justify my actions. I know, now, far too late, that it didn't justify anything. Well, it sure justified my bitch move. My total and complete failure and being a humane and normal human being who had a heart. I was scared. I was confused. I didn't know what to think or feel or.... I thought pushing you like that, away, would make me feel better. And, I'll be blunt and honest, I thought it did make me feel better. To just be alone. That feeling didn't last long, though. Now I live remembering how I treated you and I hate who I was towards you everyday. I know now it may not seem like a big deal. It was a long time ago. I was suppose to be a friend. And I did a terrible job of that.
I don't know why you hate me so. I really can't bring myself to say I hate you, even with all the things you did to me. I think you just woke up one morning and the first thing you thought was "I'm going to hate Emma". When I thought you were maybe afraid I was after your boyfriend, I sent an apology to you saying I had no intentions with him. I made it clear to you that I was a friend. And what did you do? You sent me hate mail. You bitched and yelled and did whatever you could think of to tear me apart. You tried to pull my friends away from me. You tried to make me look bad. You took whatever opportunity you could to turn the tables on everything I did, so that I would be to blame or at fault. You tried and tried, but because you didn't realize that I am, in fact, Emma FREAKING Hansen, you failed and you failed. I take no glory in that...okay maybe a little. But I don't mean to rub it in your face. But why is it that you disliked me so much? I never wronged you. I never even talked to you until you decided we were enemies. You were a stranger to me and I was and am a stranger to you. I guess when the day is done, you need someone to blame. Having a reason for the terrible things in life makes it easier. Why would you want to live each day thinking terrible things happen randomly without reason to innocent people? It's terrible and scary. Life is always more surreal with a person to blame. And I was your opportunity to shut out the truths of the world and the chaos it brings. I was you scapegoat.
I won't say who these are for. And I'm not sure why I feel a need to post it.
Majority of suicide attempts are never really meant to follow through with the deed. The people attempting are only hoping for the attention, for the last minute realization people have about how much they truly care for that person who almost lost their lives. It may seem stupid, selfish. But everyone needs a little of that every now and then. Otherwise, we just feel alone, and feeling alone leads to a list of other unhappy feelings that lead to an unhappy half-said, half-lived life.
So maybe this is my form of suicide attempt. I'm analyzing my decision to post this as I write now. I wasn't going to in the beginning.
I was just having those thoughts you have late at night, right before you fall asleep. Those what-ifs and wishes to go back and say more or less. And I felt like I needed to let it out. To write it down, in hopes that the guilt feelings of never speaking up would disappear.
Sidenote (God I know this is long...longer that I expected)
I was reading this book.The story line would make you roll your eyes but basically this guy, possible mythical creature like a fairy, is on a search to find himself a soul. He has to go through these tests to see if he can handle it. One test includes him being normal, without a power meaning he is weaker, defenseless, and harder to heal. Another test includes him having to realize he will be mortal and will die. And the last test is living with the guilt that he use to be able to so easily push aside and forget. He had done terrible things to people and remembering it made him want to end his trials right there and find a dark hole and die in it.
My point is, that the thing that gives us a soul, is being able to live with the guilt. Having guilt is not a pleasurable or enviable trait. But us dealing with it, everyday, being able to face reminders and live to see the next sunrise...it's extraordinary. We constantly underestimate the strength we all hold within our own minds. We all have our own battles. We are all fighting something. But we live each day, going about our business, communicating...as if there are no guns going off in your head...we are strong and we are amazing.
Well anyways, the reason I posted this is not so clear to me. I want to be honest and tell you whatever it honestly is that brings me to hit PUBLISH POST. But it may have to be something I ponder as I fall asleep tonight.
It could be because there's always that small part of you that just wants someone to know. It's hard to just be in their face and saying it. But to think that there is a possibility they know but you don't know for sure, it's more comforting...I'm not sure. This could be something that only I feel...which only makes me look like a bitch, but hey, this is who I am.
Sweet dreams world.
Remember, seriously, we are all so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Remind yourself of that more often, because I have a feeling that we don't hear that enough.
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